Funny Dating One Liners

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.

Great List

Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Funny Dating One Liners items I have now:

  • I’m not saying I’m the type you can take home to your mom, but I’m definitely the type you can take home. Please do, actually, I’m homeless.
  • My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.
  • I’ve thought it over, and I’m okay with you keeping our yet-to-be-conceived baby.
  • I feel silly asking you this, you probably get hit up by like fifty guys a day, I know you’re out of my league, and there’s no shot you’ll ever respond to this, but I just wanted to say, this is so stupid, you’re probably showing this to all your friends right now and laughing, my god, I am just not cut out for this… *sigh*… how was your day?
  • Tell me about the biggest trauma in your life, give me your address, leave the door unlocked, I’ll be there in fifteen.
  • I took a girl out on a date the other night and I knew it wasn't gonna go anywhere sexually, you know, because I was out of chloroform and rags.
  • You have the nicest syntax I've ever seen.
  • How ‘bout this Crimea and Russia situation? You know what else is a Crimea? That you and I aren’t getting a drink right now.
  • The probability of a young man meeting a desirable and receptive young female increases by pyramidal progression when he is already in the company of: 1. a date, 2.his wife, 3. a better looking and richer male friend.
  • Just got a haircut without running it by my mom. NBD.
  • The other night I went out on a date with a guy who said he didn't like girls who were fragile or vulnerable… so I stabbed him.
  • Blind Date: When you expect to meet a vision and he turns out to be a sight.
  • Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
  • You're so beautiful that last night you made me forget my pickup line.
  • Just enrolled for health insurance via Obamacare. Says it covers my dependents too. Any interest in filling that opening?
  • Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
  • I can't even find someone for a platonic relationship, much less the kind where someone wants to see me naked.
  • Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
  • Whenever I’m about to have sex with a girl, I play it smart and just automatically assume she has herpes; because that way I don’t have to tell her about my herpes.
  • -and trust me, that’s being generous. Hold on I have a call on the other line. Hello?
  • My computer dating bureau came up with a perfect gentleman; still, I've got another three goes.
  • I would hate it if you met an untimely demise prior to our first date…
  • I used to be afraid of relationships; someone would ask me out and I'd say, 'Just take my purse, don't hurt me!'
  • Hey cutie. You look like my step-sister… I’ve always had a crush on her.
  • Men don’t realize that if we’re sleeping with them on the first date, we’re probably not interested in seeing them again either.
  • I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number… she looked great going down the stairs.
  • If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
  • FYI: I like being big spoon. But I’ve been known to do some little spoon, hehe. I’m also a fantastic fork. Ugh, I’m out of forks right now. It’s so annoying because I don’t own a dishwasher. Technically I do, but it’s such a piece of shit. It doesn’t work. What were we talking about?
  • Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
  • Hey, tits. One time I threw a football so hard, I almost dropped my whiskey, but I was able to catch it with my elephant trunk of a penis.
  • My beard is growing its own beard.
  • Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
  • I can do some things now that I couldn't do when I was 17, like date high school girls.
  • I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
  • The major concrete achievement of the women's movement in the 1970s was the Dutch treat.
  • I’m not much of a political guy, but I just had to let you know that after going through your pics, I’m rocking a pretty hard John Boehner.
  • I like being married for two reasons: 1) I got really tired of dating, and 2) I got really tired of exercising.
  • Can’t believe we matched together. You’re so pretty, and physically speaking, I am simply hideous. I was cast to play the Hunchback in my school play, and we weren’t even doing The Hunchback of Notre Dame. It was for The Lion King. They added a hunchback just for me. Anyway, how are you?
  • I like to date school teachers; if you do something wrong, they make you do it over again.
  • Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
  • I once went out with this girl, she was no bargain either, she showed up with pigtails under her arms.
  • Guess who’s no longer on his parents cell phone bill…?
  • Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
  • To succeed with the opposite sex, tell her you're impotent; she can't wait to disprove it.
  • Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious
  • Standard rules dictate that you shouldn’t talk about politics or religion on a first date… I won Student Council President in seventh grade, same year that I had my Bar Mitzvah. I don’t play by the rules…
  • Babe, your cuter than a puppy at an animal shelter, Cuz i want to take you home!
  • You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
  • Hey there, pretty lady. What should we order for breakfast the morning after our date? KEEP IN MIND, I AM GLUTEN INTOLERANT AND ALLERGIC TO NUTS.
  • Just sitting here drinking a beer and watching the game. Also, checking out an adult film on my laptop and calling my friend derogatory names. Impressed?
  • I broke up with this girl… I can't tell you her real name, of course, because well, she didn't tell me her real name.
  • Ed, have you noticed that the older you get, the younger your girlfriends get? Soon you’ll be dating sperm.
  • Just wanted you to know that it doesn’t matter why you’re annoyed with your roommate right now, I agree with you 100% and am here for you.
  • Have you ever been dating anyone, and you think they're normal, and all of the sudden, they start freaking out on you?… yelling, 'Untie me!'
  • A youth with his first cigar makes himself sick; a youth with his first girl makes other people sick.
  • Your bedroom is such a mess…
  • I went out with a guy who once told me I didn’t need to drink to make myself more fun to be around, and I told him, I’m drinking so that you’re more fun to be around.
  • If you treat a girl like a dog, she’s going to piss on you.
  • I think I love you more than I’ve ever loved myself.
  • Ugh, my personal chef made lobster steaks again. It’s like, how ‘bout a little variety, you piece of shit!?
  • Hilary Clinton really seems like she’s positioning herself to take a run at president in 2016. I’d like to position my groin to take a run at you.
  • Employees make the best dates; you don’t have to pick them up and they’re always tax-deductible.
  • Do you know how to play pool? If not, I could seductively come up behind you and teach you. Full Disclosure: I’ve never actually played pool.
  • What’s the point of having a partner when we all die alone? But, I guess, if there’s anyone I’d be okay with wasting away the rest of my life with, it’d be you.
  • Congratulations! Thank you for enrolling in a relationship with (your name). To continue receiving these messages, reply ‘HEY’. To unsubscribe, reply ‘FUCK OFF’.
  • You know how embarrassing it is to walk with a girl on a first date and see somebody with the same shirt as you on and they homeless?
  • Sometimes I question why God allows bad things to happen to good people. For example, how have we never gone on a date?
  • How attractive a given person appears to be is directly proportionate to how unattractive your date is.
  • When a man goes on a date, he wonders if he is going to get lucky… a woman already knows.
  • Sometimes I feel like I could go missing for weeks before anyone even noticed. I’d definitely notice if you went missing, on account of your nice boobs.
  • Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?
  • I've dated men my age, younger than me and older and the only difference is the young ones are quicker at taking out the garbage.
  • Need help with a big decision should my new yacht have a helipad OR a tennis court sized hot tub OR an aboveground wine cellar filled with gold?
  • My fiancé and I are having a little disagreement; what I want is a big church wedding with bridesmaids and flowers and a no-expense-spared reception; what he wants is to break off our engagement.
  • A man who was loved by 300 women singled me out to live with him… Why? … I was the only one without a cat.
  • I don’t give a holy hell what Oprah says, I refuse to acknowledge Wiccans as a political party.
  • I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
  • Ya know what the difference is between you and an angel? I’ve never masturbated to a picture of an angel.
  • We would’ve made such a good couple. Real shame…
  • After looking at your pictures, my pants feel like Syria—a lot of unrest.
  • Guys I’ve been meeting have the worst pickup lines, like: “Hey, what’s your friend’s name?”
  • I’d like to start a family, but you have to have a date first.
  • I'm dating again, which is very exciting… 'cause I'm married.
  • We both know where this is heading. Let’s cut to the chase—call me an insensitive, self-involved, immature asshole and break up with me.
  • I just hope she doesn't start before I go in the Hall of Fame. That way, I won't have to kill anybody before I get inducted.
  • Are we simply romantically challenged… or are we sluts.
  • If you had to commit genocide, what race of people would you do it to and why?
  • So exhausted. Been playing with my nephew and his new puppy in a flower patch all day while helping to feed the homeless.
  • If the technology existed, do you think it would be ethical for scientists to clone you? And if so, do you think your clone would be down for a threesome? Bring it up to her casually.
  • Courtesy: The art of yawning with your mouth closed.
  • If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
  • The best way to get over a guy is to get under a new one!
  • I curse in front of my parents… what the fuck are they gonna do about it?
  • My heart’s breaking over these bloody insurgencies around the world. I just wish there was more I could do, ya know? Do you like making out?
  • I love my mom, and my grandma, and my sister. I pretty much love and respect all women. Except for my Aunt Janice, she’s a dumb bitch.
  • You give me Epsilon, I give you Delta. Together, we find limits.

Funny Dating One Liners

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