Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners from the Office items I have now:

• “I’m glad Michael’s getting help. He has a lot of issues, and he’s stupid.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
• “I wanna do a cartwheel. But real casual-like. Not enough to make a big deal out of it, but I know everyone saw it. One stunning, gorgeous cartwheel.” — Creed Bratton
• “I’m guessing Angela is the one in the neighborhood that gives the trick-or-treaters toothbrushes. Pennies. Walnuts.” — Pam Beesley
• “I just want to lie on the beach and eat hot dogs. That’s all I’ve ever wanted.” — Kevin Malone
• “As a person who buys a lot of erotic cakes, it’s nice to be represented on one.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
• “Any man who says he totally understands women is a fool. Because they are un-understandable.” — Michael Scott
  
• “Creed Bratton has never declared bankruptcy. When Creed Bratton gets in trouble, he transfers his debt to William Charles Scheider.” — Creed Bratton
• “Would I rather be feared or loved? Easy. Both. I want people to be afraid of how much they love me.” — Michael Scott
• “Tell him to call me ASAP as possible.” — Michael Scott
• My roommate wants to meet everybody. Because I’m pretty sure he thinks I’m making Dwight up. He is very real.” — Jim Halpert
• “Let’s put a smile on that face.” — Creed Bratton
• “Well, this is what happened. Uh, Ryan’s big project was the website. Which wasn’t doing so well. So Ryan, to give the impression of sales, recorded them twice. Once as offices and once in the website sales, which is what we refer to in the business as misleading the shareholders. Another good term is fraud. The real crime, I think, was the beard.” — Oscar Martinez
• “When you’re a kid, you assume your parents are soulmates. My kids are going to be right about that.” — Pam Beesley
• “Identity theft is not a joke, Jim! Millions of families suffer every year.” — Dwight Schrute
• “Close your mouth, sweetie. You look like a trout.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
• “Newsflash: You are not special.” — Stanley Hudson
• “Guess what, I have flaws. What are they? Oh, I don’t know. I sing in the shower. Sometimes I spend too much time volunteering. Occasionally I’ll hit somebody with my car. So sue me.” — Michael Scott
• “I got six numbers, one more and it would have been a complete phone number.” — Kevin Malone
• “Besides having sex with men, I would say the Finer Things Club is the gayest thing about me.” — Oscar Martinez
• “If I don’t have some cake soon, I might die.” — Stanley Hudson
• “Sometimes I get so bored I just want to scream, and then sometimes I actually do scream. I just sort of feel out what the situation calls for.” — Kelly Kapoor
• “The Dunder Mifflin stock symbol is D.M.I. Do you know what that stands for? Dummies, Morons, and Idiots. Because that’s what you’d have to be to own it. And as one of those idiots, I believe the board owes me answers.” — Oscar Martinez
• “Oh, I don’t think it’s blackmail. Angela just does what I ask her to do so I won’t tell everyone that she’s cheating on Andy with Dwight. I think for it to be blackmail, it would have to be a formal letter.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
• “I’m not superstitious, but I am a little stitious.” — Michael Scott
  
• “It’s like I used to tell my wife. I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave. And I say the same thing to my current wife, and I’ll say it to my next one, too.” — Stanley Hudson
• “Everything I have I owe to this job…this stupid, wonderful, boring, amazing job.” — Jim Halpert
• “I mean, I’m not a slut but who knows.” — Kelly Kapoor
• “I am running away from my responsibilities. And it feels good.” — Michael Scott
• “Your body is a temple. You have to respect it. You can’t just whore it out.” — Angela Martin
• “I’m fast. To give you a reference point. I’m somewhere between a snake and a mongoose. And a panther.” — Dwight Schrute
• “I miss the days when there was only one party I didn’t want to go to.” — Ryan Howard
• “I want you to rub butter on my foot…Pam, please? I have Country Crock.” — Michael Scott
• “I once reported Oscar to the INS. Turns out he’s clean, but I’m glad I did it.” — Angela Martin
• “I never thought I’d say this, but I think I ate too much bone marrow.” — Dwight Schrute
• “Yeah, I’m not a temp anymore. I got Jim’s old job. Which means at my ten-year high school reunion, it will not say “Ryan Howard is a temp”. It will say “Ryan Howard is a junior sales associate at a mid-range paper supply firm”… That’ll show ’em.” — Ryan Howard
• “I’ve got a golden-ticket idea. Why don’t you skip on up to the roof and jump off?” — Stanley Hudson
• “I’ve been involved in a number of cults, both a leader and a follower. You have more fun as a follower, but you make more money as a leader.” — Creed Bratton
  
• “It is not a good time for me to lose my job since I have some pretty big long-term plans in my personal life with Pam that I’d like her parents to be psyched about. So, I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.” — Jim Halpert
• “Stanley just drank OJ out of my mug and didn’t seem to realize that it wasn’t his hot coffee. So the question has to be asked, is there no limit to what he won’t notice?” — Jim Halpert
• “Do I need to be liked? Absolutely not. I like to be liked. I enjoy being liked. I have to be liked, but it’s not like this compulsive need to be liked, like my need to be praised.” — Michael Scott
• “The worst thing about prison was the dementors.” — Michael Scott
• “The man is wearing sandals. I don’t need to see Oscar’s toes at work. Gross! I mean he looks like he just got off the boat.” — Angela Martin
• “I am a black belt in gift wrapping.” — Jim Halpert
• Michael: You know what, Toby? When the son of the deposed King of Nigeria e-mails you directly asking for help, you help. His father ran the freaking country, okay?
• “I wake up every morning in a bed that’s too small, drive my daughter to a school that’s too expensive, and then I go to work to a job for which I get paid too little. But on pretzel day? Well, I like pretzel day.” — Stanley Hudson
• The people here are amazing debaters. I guess you can say they are master-baters.” — Kevin Malone
• “No, Rose, they are not breathing. And they have no arms or legs … Where are they? You know what? If we come across somebody with no arms or legs, do we bother resuscitating them? I mean, what quality of life do we have there?” – Michael Scott
• “So this is my life. Until I win the lottery. Or Pam finally writes that series of young adult books.” — Jim Halpert
• “I find the mystery genre disgusting. I hate being titillated.” — Angela Martin
• “Sometimes I’ll start a sentence and I don’t even know where it’s going. I just hope I find it along the way.” — Michael Scott
• “An office is for not dying. An office is a place to live life to the fullest, to the max, to… An office is a place where dreams come true.” — Michael Scott
• “You’re the people’s princess! Diana was nothing!” — Meredith
• “And I knew exactly what to do. But in a much more real sense, I had no idea what to do.” — Michael Scott
• “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are too flashy, so I’m forced to go to the American Girl store and order clothes for large colonial dolls.” — Angela Martin
  
• “Life is short. Drive fast and leave a sexy corpse. That’s one of my mottos.” — Stanley Hudson
• “If I can’t scuba, then what’s this all been about? What am I working toward?” — Creed Bratton
• “Jim told me you could buy gay-dar online.” — Dwight Schrute
• “Who is Justice Beaver?” — Dwight Schrute
• Toby: We should really have the office’s air quality tested. We have radon coming from below. We have asbestos in the ceilings. These are silent killers.
• “There’s a lot of beauty in ordinary things. Isn’t that kind of the point?” — Pam Beesly
• “Boy, have you done lost your mind? Cause I’ll help you find it!” — Stanley Hudson
• “Tell ya one thing, I’m not gonna be a good mom tonight.” — Meredith
• “We have a gym at home. It’s called the bedroom.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
• “I don’t care what they say about me. I just want to eat. Which I realize is a lot to ask for. At a dinner party.” — Pam Beesley
• “I don’t hate it. I just don’t like it at all and it’s terrible.” — Michael Scott
• “I love inside jokes. I’d love to be a part of one someday.” — Michael Scott
• “When Pam gets Michael’s old chair, I get Pam’s old chair. Then I’ll have two chairs. Only one to go.” — Creed Bratton
• “I am Beyonce, always.” — Michael Scott
• “Last year, Creed asked me how to set up a blog. Wanting to protect the world from being exposed to Creed’s brain, I opened up a Word document on his computer and put an address at the top. I’ve read some of it. Even for the Internet, it’s… pretty shocking.” — Ryan Howard
• “I say dance, they say ‘How high?'” — Michael Scott
• “Ultimatums are key. Basically, nobody does anything for me anymore unless I threaten to kill myself.” — Kelly Kapoor
• “Hey everybody, he’s not in the men’s room. Although the seat was warm, so we may have just missed him.” — Meredith
  
• “And I feel God in this Chili’s tonight.” — Pam Beesley
• “You know what they say about a car wreck, where it’s so awful you can’t look away? The Dundies are like a car wreck that you want to look away from but you have to stare at it because your boss is making you.” — Pam BeesleyNBC Universal Television
• “I don’t want to be married in a tent like a hobo.” — Angela Martin
• “I do not apologize unless I think I’m wrong, and if you don’t like it, you can leave.” — Stanley Hudson
• “Me think, why waste time say lot word, when few word do trick.” — Kevin Malone
• “It’s a real shame because studies have shown that more information gets passed through water cooler gossip than through official memos. Which puts me at a disadvantage because I bring my own water to work.” — Dwight Schrute
• “It’s true. Around this office in the past, I have been a little abrupt with people. But the doctor said, if I can’t find a new way to relate more positively to my surroundings, I’m going to die.” — Stanley Hudson
• “Fool me once, strike one. Fool me twice, strike three.” — Michael Scott
• “I do not like pregnant women in my workspace. They’re always complaining. I have varicose veins, too. I have swollen ankles. I’m constantly hungry. Do you think my nipples don’t get sore too? Do you think I don’t need to know the fastest way to the hospital?” — Standley Hudson
• “Who’s the one who didn’t bring lice into the office? Meredith. Sure I gave everybody pink eye once, and my ex keyed a few of their cars, and yeah I BMed in the shredder on New Years. But I didn’t bring the lice in. That was all Pam.” — Meredith
• Toby: You’ll see.
• “Rit-dit-dit-do-doo!” — Andy Bernard
• “I think it’s great that the company’s making a commercial, because not very many people have heard of us. I mean, when I tell people I work at Dunder Mifflin, they think that we sell mufflers or muffins or mittens or…and frankly, all of those sound better than paper, so I let it slide.” — Jim Halpert
• Michael: Why are you the way that you are? Honestly, every time I try to do something fun, or exciting, you make it… not that way. I hate… so much about the things that you choose to be.
• “I am about to do something very bold in this job that I’ve never done before: try.” — Jim Halpert
  
• “I talk a lot, so I’ve learned to tune myself out.” — Kelly Kapoor
• “Sometimes the clothes at Gap Kids are just too flashy.” — Angela Martin
• “Michael is leaving. And apparently, they’ve already hired a new manager. And we’re meeting him today. It’s a lot to process. Paperwork-wise.” — Oscar Martinez
• “Powerpoints are the peacocks of the business world; all show, no meat.” — Dwight Schrute
• “I already won the lottery. I was born in the US of A baby. And as backup, I have a Swiss passport.” — Creed Bratton
• “I would say I kind of have an unfair advantage, because I watch reality dating shows like a hawk, and I learn. I absorb information from the strategies of the winners and the losers. Actually, I probably learn more from the losers.” — Michael Scott
• “No, I’m not going to tell them about the downsizing. If a patient has cancer, you don’t tell them.” — Michael Scott
• “Today, smoking is going to save lives.” — Dwight Schrute
• “I hate the idea that someone out there hates me. I even hate thinking that Al-Qaeda hates me. I think if they got to know me, they wouldn’t hate me.” — Pam Beesley
• “Dwight you ignorant sl**.” — Michael ScottNBC Universal Television
• “I’m always thinking one step ahead, like a carpenter that makes stairs.” — Andy Bernard
• “Who says exactly what they’re thinking? What kind of a game is that?” — Kelly KapoorNBC Universal Television
• “Look, I know the reason that you guys became accountants is ’cause you’re not good at interacting with people. But guess what? From now on, you guys are no longer losers. So gives yourselves a round of applause.” — Kelly Kapoor
• “So you’ve come to the master for guidance? Is this what you’re saying, grasshopper?” — Michael Scott
• Michael: You are going to be sleeping by yourself for the rest of your life so you should just get used to it.
• Toby: Didn’t you lose a lot of money on that other investment, the one from that e-mail?
• “I am proud to announce that there is a new addition to the Martin family. She’s hypoallergenic. She doesn’t struggle when you try to dress her. She’s a third-generation show cat. Her father was in ‘Meet the Parents.’ Needless to say, she was very, very expensive.” — Angela Martin
• “We didn’t play many video games in Scranton. Instead we’d do stuff like… uh, Pam and I would sometimes hum the same high-pitched note and try to get Dwight to make an appointment with an ear doctor. And, uh, Pam called it… Pretendinitis.” — Jim Halpert
• Toby: Hey Michael, I have an extra twin bed if you want.
  
• Michael: You are the silent killer. Go back to the annex.
• "You don't know me; you've just seen my penis." - Michael Scott
• “I kinda know what it’s like to be in commercials. My nickname in high school used to be Kool-Aid Man.” — Kevin Malone
• “A few years ago, my family was on a safari in Africa and my cousin, Mufasa, was um, he was trampled to death by a pack of wildebeests and um, we all took it really hard.” — Ryan Howard
• “I want to be wine and dined and sixty-nined.” — Kevin Malone
• “Yes, I have a dream, and it’s not some MLK dream for equality. I want to own a decommissioned lighthouse. And I want to live at the top. And nobody knows I live there. And there’s a button that I can press, and launch that lighthouse into space.” — Stanley Hudson
• “You guys I’m, like, really smart now. You don’t even know. You could ask me,’ Kelly, what’s the biggest company in the world?’ And I’d be like, ‘blah blah blah, blah blah blah blah blah blah.’ Giving you the exact right answer.” — Kelly Kapoor
• “I wanted to eat a pig in a blanket, in a blanket.” — Kevin Malone
• “I guess I’ve been working so hard, I forgot what it’s like to be hardly working.” — Michael Scott
• “The only problem is whenever I try to make a taco, I get too excited and crush it.” — Kevin Malone
• "I declare bankruptcy!" - Michael Scott
• “I have been trying to get on jury duty every year since I was 18 years old. To get to go sit it in an air-conditioned room, downtown, judging people, while my lunch is paid for … that is the life.” — Stanley Hudson
• “Nobody steals from Creed Bratton and gets away with it. The last person to do this disappeared. His name? Creed Bratton.” — Creed Bratton
• “Look, it doesn’t take a genius to know that every organization thrives when it has two leaders. Go ahead, name a country that doesn’t have two presidents. A boat that sets sail without two captains. Where would Catholicism be without the popes?” — Oscar Martinez
• “I wonder what people like about me. Probably my jugs.” — Phyllis Lapin-Vance
• “I normally don’t enjoy making people laugh.” — Angela Martin
• “Right now, this is just a job. If I advance any higher in this company, this would be my career. And, uh, if this were my career, I’d have to throw myself in front of a train.” — Jim Halpert
• “You know a human can go on living for several hours after being decapitated.” — Creed Bratton
• “I have decided that I’m going to be more honest. I’m gonna start telling people what I want, directly. So, look out world, ‘cuz ‘ol Pammy is gettin’ what she wants. And, don’t call me Pammy.” — Pam Beesley
  
• “There are always a million reasons not to do something” — Jan Levinson
• “How is it possible that in five years, I’ve had two engagements and only one chair?” — Pam Beesley
• “If I had to, I could clean out my desk in five seconds, and nobody would ever know that I’d ever been here. And I’d forget, too.” — Ryan Howard
• “Dwight mercy-killed Angela’s cat.” — Pam Beesley
• “I run a small fake-ID company from my car with a laminating machine that I swiped from the Sheriff’s station.” — Creed Bratton
• “Oh, you’re paying way too much for worms. Who’s your worm guy?” — Creed Bratton
• “If I were buying my coffin, I would get one with thicker walls so you couldn’t hear the other dead people.” — Dwight Schrute
• Toby: Actually, I didn’t think it was appropriate to invite children, since it’s uh, you know, there’s gambling and alcohol, it’s in our dangerous warehouse, it’s a school night, and you know, Hooter’s is catering, and is that- is that enough? Should I keep going?
• [To Toby] “This is an environment of welcoming, and you should just get the hell out of here.” — Michael Scott
• “Today, smoking is going to save lives.” — Dwight Schrute
• "Apart from hitting her with my car, I have been so kind to that woman." - Michael Scott
• “I don’t talk trash, I talk smack. They’re totally different. Trash talk is hypothetical, like: Your mom is so fat she can eat the internet. But smack talk is happening like right now. Like: You’re ugly and I know it for a fact ’cause I got the evidence right there.” — Kelly Kapoor