Funny Quotes from George Carlin

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite movies and shows


Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Funny Quotes from George Carlin items I have now:

  • If you can’t beat them, arrange to have them beaten.
  • Conservatives say if you don’t give the rich more money, they will lose their incentive to invest. As for the poor, they tell us they’ve lost all incentive because we’ve given them too much money.
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • I think people should be allowed to do anything they want. We haven’t tried that for a while. Maybe this time it’ll work.
  • I don’t have pet peeves – I have major psychotic fucking hatreds.
  • Don’t just teach your children to read…teach them to question everything that they read…teach them to question everything.
  • Men are from Earth, women are from Earth. Deal with it.
  • Most people work just hard enough not to get fired and get paid just enough not to quit.
  • Some people see the glass half full, others see it half empty. I see a glass that’s twice as big as it needs to be.
  • I wanna live. I don’t wanna die. That’s the whole meaning of life: Not dying! I figured that shit out by myself in the third grade.
  • Religion is like a pair of shoes…Find one that fits for you, but don’t make me wear your shoes.
  • Don’t sweat the petty things and don’t pet the sweaty things.
  • If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done?
  • One tequila, two tequila, three tequila, floor.
  • May the forces of evil become confused on the way to your house.
  • When you are born, you get a ticket to the freak show. When you are born in America, you get a front row seat.
  • Electricity is really just organized lightning.
  • Bipartisan usually means that a larger-than-usual deception is being carried out.
  • I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, ‘Where’s the self-help section?’ She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
  • That’s why they call it the American Dream, because you have to be asleep to believe it.
  • Careful, if you think too much, they’ll take you away.
  • There’s no present. There’s only the immediate future and the recent past.
  • I think it’s the duty of the comedian to find out where the line is drawn and cross it deliberately.
  • A house is just a place to keep your stuff while you go out and get more stuff.
  • Never underestimate the power of stupid people in large groups.
  • Trying to be happy by accumulating possessions is like trying to satisfy hunger by taping sandwiches all over your body.
  • When fascism comes to America, it will not be in brown and black shirts. It will not be with jack-boots. It will be Nike sneakers and Smiley shirts.
  • We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
  • I don’t have pet peeves — I have major psychotic f***** hatreds!
  • Those who dance are considered insane by those who cannot hear the music.
  • I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me – they’re cramming for their final exam.
  • We have multiplied our possessions but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often. We’ve learned how to make a living but not a life. We’ve added years to life, not life to years.
  • The planet is fine. The people are fucked.
  • ’Meow’ means ‘woof’ in cat.
  • If you have selfish, ignorant citizens, you’re going to have selfish, ignorant leaders.
  • Laugh often, long and loud. Laugh until you gasp for breath.
  • Think of how stupid the average person is, and then realize that half of them are stupider than that.
  • Fighting for peace is like screwing for virginity.
  • The reason I talk to myself is because I’m the only one whose answers I accept.
  • By and large, language is a tool for concealing the truth.
  • Frisbeetarianism is the belief that when you die, your soul goes up on the roof and gets stuck.
  • It’s never just a game when you’re winning.
  • Just cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean the circus has left town.
  • In America, anyone can become president. That’s the problem.
  • One can never know for sure what a deserted area can look like.
  • Just ‘cause you got the monkey off your back doesn’t mean that the circus has left town.
  • Have you ever noticed that anybody driving slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going faster than you is a maniac?
  • Death is caused by swallowing small amounts of saliva over a long period of time.

Funny Quotes from George Carlin

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