Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners Gary Delaney items I have now:

• One of my heroes growing up was George Best. No no – I liked Zippy the best.
• Recently I went on a ballooning holiday – I put on four stone!
• Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so…retired mermaids.
• The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I'd come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
• I hate sitting in traffic, because I always get run over.
  
• If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel, then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're trained for that!
• I went out with this girl the other night, she wore this real slinky number. She looked great going down the stairs.
• I've just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
• The pollen count, now that’s a difficult job. Especially if you’ve got hay fever.
• When my daughter was born she had jaundice, she was small, round and yellow. we called her Melony.
• I was walking along the other day and on the pavement I saw a white baby ghost; however, come to think of it, it may have been a tissue.
• Easiest job in the world of course, Australian psychiatrist, Gday Gday how you doing no worries next.
• As a child I watched Mary Poppins so many times I suffered from a condition with my sight. Umdiddleiddleiddleumdiddle Eye.
• It's difficult isn't it, when you're in a Mosque and everyone's praying and you really enjoy leapfrog.
• Militant feminists, I take my hat off to them, they don’t like that.
• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
• So I phoned up the spiritual leader of tibet, he sent me a large goat with a long neck, turns out I phoned dial a lama.
• When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels!
• Most of my relatives are police marksmen, apart from my granddad who was a bank robber. He died recently, surrounded by his family.
• My wife... its difficult to say what she does... she sells seashells on the seashore.
• About a month before he died, my grandfather, we covered his back full of lard – after that he went downhill very quickly.
• To the man on crutches dressed in camouflage who stole my wallet: you can hide but you can’t run.
• My grandfather invented the cold air balloon... But it never really took off.
  
• My mother made us eat all sorts of vitamins and supplements, until one day I nearly choked on part of The Sunday Times.
• My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education, because they were both druids.
• Here's a picture of me with REM. That's me in the corner.
• When the boys at school found out I had a potentially fatal peanut allergy, they used to hold me up against a wall and play Russian Roulette with a bag of Revels !
• Recently I’ve been attending meetings of Eavesdroppers Anonymous – not that they know!
• I don’t know if you’ve ever fallen asleep whilst eating a plate of cauliflower, and then woken up, and thought you were in the clouds.
• A lot of people like cats. Take the Pope, for example: I read recently that he was a cat-oholic!
• I’ve just finished my book, I wrote it on penguins. Come to think of it, paper would have been better.
• You know the animal that kills the most people in the world? The Hepatitis Bee.
• My aunt Marge has been so ill for so long that we've started to call her I can't believe she's not better
• I’m very English really. I even ordered a book on the internet, ‘how to have absolutely nothing to do with your neighbors’. Unfortunately I was out when it was delivered.
• The worst job I ever had was as a forensicologist for the United Nations. One time I thought I’d come across the mass grave of a thousand snowmen, but it turns out it was just a field of carrots.
• My parents said they had to make a lot of sacrifices to pay for my education... because they were both druids.
• I recently bought the box set of Doctor Who and watched it back to back. Unfortunately, I wasn’t the one facing the TV!
• The school had a big problem with drugs… especially Class A.
• I really like driverless cars. In fact the other day I saw a whole car park of them.
• I got arrested for playing chess in the street. I said, it's because I'm black, isn't it.
  
• We live in an uncaring society. I was in the park the other day watching an old man feed the birds, and after a while I thought to myself: ‘I wonder how long he’s been dead?'
• If they make it illegal to wear the veil at work, bee keepers are going to be furious.
• I’ve got a bit of Scottish Blood… On my kitchen knife!!
• I lost my job as a cricket commentator for saying I don’t want to bore you with the details.
• To the man on crutches, dressed in camouflage, who stole my wallet ... you can hide but you can't run.
• Old ladies in wheelchairs with blankets over their legs, I don’t think so… retired mermaids.
• I can’t even count to ten in French: un, deux, trois, quatre, cinq, six, sept… Aarrgghh! Sorry, I’ve got a huit allergy.
• Overall, I’d say my career as a photographer has been a bit of a blur.
• Sometimes I wonder what my grandfather would think of what I do, he spent his whole life in the kebab business, was buried with all his equipment, probably turning in his grave.
• I love face-painting. It’s a lot of fun. Although you do need the person’s permission.