One Liner Retirement Jokes

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.


Here are some great one-liners for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows, movies, etc.

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liner Retirement Jokes items I have now:

  • Between the Viagra and the prune juice that doctors have prescribed, it’s hard to know if you’re coming or going during retirement.
  • Money might not provide happiness, but it does help to keep the children visiting on a regular basis.
  • Sex during retirement is proof that the inventor of the light switch was the biggest genius humanity has ever known.
  • Retirement happens when you overachieve in the area of experience.
  • The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
  • Retirement is the time in your life when time is no longer money.
  • Another World's Oldest Man has died. This is beginning to look suspicious.
  • Mandatory retirement is another form of compulsory poverty.
  • Who are the hardest people to convince to retire? Children at bedtime.
  • My grandfather tried to warn them about the Titanic. He screamed and shouted about the iceberg and how the ship was going to sink, but all they did was throw him out of the theater.
  • You know you’ve hit retirement when you receive regular gift baskets from your chiropractor.
  • When a man retires and time is no longer of importance, his colleagues go and present him with a watch.
  • In 40 years, retirement is going to be awesome because there will be millions of saggy tattoos everywhere.
  • Why did the prostitute retire? She screwed up!
  • Be nice to your kids. They’ll choose your nursing home.
  • One wife about retirement: "Twice as much husband for half the income."
  • It gets to you when everyday is Saturday.
  • Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can't hear a word you're saying!
  • Why did the homophobic politician retire? He got a mandate!
  • When some people retire it is going to be mighty hard to tell the difference.
  • Why do retirees count pennies? They are the only ones who have the time.
  • Retirement is when you step aside for a less experienced and less able man.
  • Money isn't everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children.
  • How can you tell that you’re getting old? You go to an antique auction and three people bid on you!
  • Why did the butcher retire? He was cut off in his prime!
  • Be nice to your kids. They'll choose your nursing home.
  • What is the "initial" state of retirement? SS, CD's, IRA's, AARP.
  • Why did the robber retire? He just couldn't take it anymore!
  • Why don't retirees mind being called Seniors? The term comes with a 10% percent discount.
  • What do retirees call a long lunch? Normal.
  • Why do Retirees smile all the time? Because they can’t hear a word you’re saying!
  • Why do nursing homes give Viagra to the old men every night? It keeps them from rolling out of bed!
  • Somewhere an elderly lady reads a book on how to use the internet, while a young boy googles "how to read a book".
  • Retirement has cured many a businessman's ulcer - and given his wife one.
  • Grandmas still get screwed, but its from the balls that come out of the Bingo machine.
  • Why did the astronaut retire? He got spaced out!
  • With retirement, time is no longer money. It is its own money.
  • If the music’s too loud, make sure that you turn down your hearing aid.
  • When is a retiree's bedtime? Three hours after he falls asleep on the couch.
  • How do you know your old? People call at 9 p.m. and ask, "Did I wake you?"
  • The key to preventing old age is to take regular naps, especially while take a drive to the grocery store.
  • Why are there so many old people in Church? They're cramming for the final.
  • Retirement is not for wimps.
  • When you see some people work, you wonder what they will do when they retire.
  • A retired husband is often a wife's full-time job.
  • Retirement is wonderful if you have much to live on and much to live for.
  • Why did the asshole retire? He was tired of being the butt of all the jokes!
  • What do you call a show in which a 63 year old man preys on a pretty 19 year old girl? The Bald and the Beautiful.
  • I'm retiring, I'm not dying.
  • The best way to judge the quality of a retiree’s life is to count the number of cats they own.

One Liner Retirement Jokes

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