One Liner Hospital Jokes

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.


Here are some great one-liners for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows, movies, etc.

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liner Hospital Jokes items I have now:

  • Doctor's office: All our records are electronic now just fill out these 12 forms.
  • Dr.'s are saying not to worry about the bird flu because it's tweetable.
  • Does an apple a day keep the doctor away? Yes, but only if you aim it well enough.
  • He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of
  • PMS jokes aren’t funny; period.
  • Sign at the Urologist's office: URINE good hands.
  • A man walked into the doctor’s; the doctor said, ‘I haven’t seen you in a long time.' … The man replied, ‘I know, I’ve been ill.'
  • The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.
  • — that’s a site for sore eyes.
  • Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible Well, tell him I can't see him right now.
  • What do you call a student that got C's all the way through med school? Hopefully not your doctor.
  • While I was in the doctor’s waiting room, there was this tiny man, only about six inches tall. Although he was there before me, he let me see the doctor first. I suppose he just had to be a little patient.
  • Doctor: Nurse, how is that little girl doing who swallowed ten quarters last night? Nurse: No change yet.
  • Did you hear about the guy whose whole left side was cut off? He’s all right now.
  • What do you call a doctor that fixes websites? A URLologist
  • My doctors office has two doctors on call at all times. Is that considered a pair a docs.
  • My therapist told me that a great way to let go of your anger is to write letters to people you hate and then burn them. I did that and I feel much better but I'm wondering... do I keep the letters?
  • Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly? So she wouldn't wake the sleeping pills!
  • Patient: Doctor, I get heartburn every time I eat birthday cake. Doctor: Next time, take off the candles.
  • My doctor told me I needed to break a sweat once a day so I told him I'd start lying to my wife.
  • The best doctor in the world is the veterinarian. He can’t ask his patients what is the matter – he’s got to just know.
  • A doctor is the only man who can tell a woman to take off all her clothes and then send a bill to her husband!
  • My doctor told me that jogging could add years to my life. He was right—I feel ten years older already.
  • My dad sent me to a psychiatrist for wearing his bra again.
  • What do you call 2 orthopedic doctors reading an EKG? A double blind study!
  • Doctor: ‘What about a cardboard box?’
  • Patient: Doctor, I think I need glasses. Teller: You certainly do! This is a bank.
  • I once heard a joke about amnesia, but I forgot how it goes.
  • Statistically…. 9 out of 10 injections are in vein.
  • Patient: ‘Doctor, I’ve swallowed a spoon.’
  • What did the man say to the x-ray technician after swallowing some money? Do you see any change in me?
  • A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
  • Patient: ‘Doctor, my hair keeps falling out. Have you got anything to keep it in?’
  • I tried to look up impotence on the Internet, but nothing came up.
  • The therapist asked my wife why she wanted to end our marriage. She said she hated all the constant Star Wars puns. I look at the therapist and said, Divorce is strong with this one!
  • How do you tell the difference between an oral thermometer and a rectal thermometer? By The taste.
  • I have some good news and some bad news. But don’t worry, I’ll give the good news to your widow.
  • He slapped his two inches on the doctors desk. The doctor said What is wrong with it? It's swollen.
  • I don't think I'll be able to get my Mom what she really wants on Mother's Day – a doctor for a son-in-law.
  • There was a sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center that said ‘Keep off the Grass.'
  • How many doctors does it take to screw in a light bulb? Three. One to find a bulb specialist, one to find a bulb installation specialist, and one to bill it all to Medicare.
  • What is the difference between God and an orthopedic surgeon. A God doesn't think he is an orthopedic surgeon.
  • I went to the doctor this morning and told him I felt run down. ‘Why do you feel that?’ he asked. ‘Because,’ I replied, ‘I’ve got tire marks on my legs.'
  • The saying, ‘There’s more pleasure in giving than in receiving,’ applies chiefly to advice… and medicine.
  • A: Only if you aim it well enough.
  • My doctor advised me to kill people. Not in such words of course, he just said that I must diminish the amount of stress in my life.
  • I don’t find health-related puns funny anymore since I started suffering from an irony deficiency.
  • Why did the doctor tell the nurse to walk past the pill cupboard quietly? So she wouldn’t wake the sleeping pills.
  • How are enemas and divorces alike? At first they are both pretty crappy but in the long run they feel pretty good!
  • I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
  • A woman says to the dentist I don't know which is worse having a tooth pulled or having a Baby. The dentist says Well make up your mind I gotta adjust the chair!
  • When I told the doctor about my loss of memory, he made me pay in advance.

One Liner Hospital Jokes

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