One Liner Comebacks

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.

Great List

Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liner Comebacks quotes items I have now:

  • I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce.
  • I’d slap you but I don’t want to make your face look any better.
  • You have the right to remain silent because whatever you say will probably be stupid anyway.
  • I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.
  • Please, keep talking. I always yawn when I am interested.
  • I may love to shop but I’m not buying your bull.
  • I don't have an attitude problem. You have a perception problem.
  • Calling you an idiot would be an insult to all stupid people.
  • You grew up near power lines, didn't you?
  • It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm really quite busy.
  • Holy crap! Just how premature were you?
  • Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.
  • You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.
  • Jesus loves you… but everyone else thinks you’re an asshole.
  • I’m sorry, was I meant to be offended? The only thing offending me is your face.
  • Did you eat paint chips as a child? Are you still living your childhood?
  • I’m sorry I didn’t get that – I don’t speak idiot.
  • Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself, "Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
  • Doctor Livingshit, I presume?
  • It looks like your face caught fire and someone tried to put it out with a hammer.
  • I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.
  • You are proof that evolution can go in reverse.
  • Your face looks like a dog's fart that's been freeze-framed.
  • You look like the poster child for a suicide hotline.
  • I’ve seen people like you before, but I had to pay admission.
  • Your lips keep moving but all I hear is “Blah, blah, blah.”
  • No, my powers can only be used for good.
  • Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
  • Scientists say the universe is made up of neutrons, protons and electrons. They forgot to mention morons.
  • You're so screwed up, even your afterbirth had defects.
  • On the keyboard of life, always keep one finger on the escape key.
  • What’s the difference between your girlfriend and a walrus? One has a moustache and smells of fish and the other is a walrus.
  • Why is it acceptable for you to be an idiot but not for me to point it out?
  • Don’t you get tired of putting make up on two faces every morning?
  • I’ve been called worse by better.
  • Gay? I’m straighter than the pole your mom dances on.
  • You were born in a dirty test tube, weren't you?
  • Someday, we'll look back on this, laugh nervously and change the subject.
  • If I wanted a bitch, I’d have bought a dog.
  • Brains aren’t everything. In your case they’re nothing.
  • You remind me of . . . you know what? I don't think I've ever come across anything as bizarre as you before.
  • What am I? Flypaper for freaks?
  • When God was giving out whoopings with his ugly stick, you got a few extra licks.
  • Were you born this stupid or did you take lessons?
  • I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant.
  • The zoo called. They’re wondering how you got out of your cage?
  • I was hoping for a battle of wits but you appear to be unarmed.
  • Your family tree must be a cactus because everyone on it is a prick.
  • I thought of you today. It reminded me to take the garbage out.
  • Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.
  • It’s better to let someone think you’re stupid than open your mouth and prove it.
  • It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.
  • My reality check bounced.
  • I just stepped in something that was smarter than you… and smelled better too.
  • If I had a face like yours I’d sue my parents.
  • I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.
  • Did you know they used to be called “Jumpolines” until your mum jumped on one?
  • I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of the nostrils like that?
  • You are so dumb that you had to call 411 to get the number for 911.
  • Hey, you have something on your chin… no, the 3rd one down.
  • If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.
  • I don’t know what makes you so stupid, but it really works.
  • You are so stupid that you took the Pepsi challenge and chose Jiff.
  • Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.
  • How about never? Is never good for you?
  • If laughter is the best medicine, your face must be curing the world.
  • You are the reason contraceptives exist.
  • No, those pants don’t make you look fatter – how could they?
  • My toys! My toys! I can't do this job without my toys!
  • You look like my right testicle after cold water shrinkage.
  • You’re such a beautiful, intelligent, wonderful person. Oh I’m sorry, I thought we were having a lying competition.
  • You are what comes out when a brother and sister have a baby together.
  • You’re not stupid; you just have bad luck when thinking.
  • Just because you have one doesn’t mean you need to act like one.
  • You're just lucky the toilet wouldn't flush when you were born.
  • Someday you’ll go far… and I hope you stay there.
  • You are like a genetics experiment gone horribly wrong.
  • Save your breath – you’ll need it to blow up your date.
  • I think your mother may have skipped the third trimester.
  • At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.
  • I don't work here. I'm a consultant.
  • I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.
  • You’ll never be the man your mother is.
  • Shut up before I call the Men in Black on you, you feckin' alien.
  • You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.
  • I'm already visualizing the masking tape over your mouth.
  • I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn.
  • Hey, your village called – they want their idiot back.
  • Stupidity’s not a crime, so you’re free to go.
  • I’d give you a nasty look but you’ve already got one.
  • I’d like to see things from your point of view, but I can’t seem to get my head that far up your ass.
  • I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.
  • You’re so fat you could sell shade.
  • The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.
  • Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
  • Aww, it’s so cute when you try to talk about things you don’t understand.
  • Who me? I just wander from room to room.
  • The only way you’ll ever get laid is if you crawl up a chicken’s ass and wait.
  • I don't believe you have a top floor for your elevator to go to.
  • If you really want to know about mistakes, you should ask your parents.
  • Which sexual position produces the ugliest children? Ask your mother.
  • Quick – check your face! I just found your nose in my business.
  • I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message.
  • Your face too closely resembles the surface of the Moon.
  • When you were born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to your dad, “I’m very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.”
  • Everybody is somebody else's weirdo.
  • Did you use Botox to paralyze your ugliness?
  • All you need is a helmet and a mouth guard to be a prime candidate for the short yellow bus.
  • You’re so ugly when you look in the mirror, your reflection looks away.

One Liner Comebacks

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