Aging One Liners

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.


Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Aging One Liners quotes items I have now:

  • Funny, I don't remember being absent minded.
  • All reports are in. Life is now officially unfair.
  • You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
  • We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way through Congress. Will Rogers
  • It is easier to get older than it is to get wiser.
  • Outside of a dog, a book is your best friend, and inside of a dog, it’s too dark to read.
  • True terror is to wake up one morning and discover that your high school class is running the country. Kurt Vonnegut
  • Talk about getting old. I was getting dressed and a peeping tom looked in the window, took a look and pulled down the shade. Joan Rivers
  • I am pushing sixty… that is enough exercise for me.
  • Kids in the back seat cause accidents; accidents in the back seat cause kids.
  • How young can you die of old age? Steven Wright
  • Some days you're the dog, some days you're the hydrant.
  • There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine. P.G. Wodehouse
  • The first sign of maturity is the discovery that the volume knob also turns to the left. Jerry M. Wright
  • When did my wild oats turn to prunes and All-Bran?
  • When you're finally holding all the cards, why does everyone else decide to play chess?
  • If all is not lost, where is it?
  • You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be?
  • You know you’re getting old when you get that one candle on the cake. It’s like, “See if you can blow this out.” Jerry Seinfeld
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her. Agatha Christie
  • I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes. Andy Rooney
  • I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra. Will Rogers
  • People ask me what I’d most appreciate getting for my 87th birthday. I tell them, a paternity suit. George Burns
  • I’m throwing as hard as I ever did, but the ball is just not getting there as fast.
  • Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read. George Burns
  • As a graduate of the Zsa Zsa Gabor School of Creative mathematics, I honestly do not know how old I am. Erma Bombeck
  • I don’t plan to grow old gracefully. I plan to have face-lifts until my ears meet. Rita Rudner
  • When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
  • When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't talk for a year and a half.
  • I went to school to become a wit, only got halfway through.
  • Middle age is when you still believe you’ll feel better in the morning. Bob Hope
  • At my age, flowers scare me. George Burns
  • She said she was approaching forty, and I couldn't help wondering from what direction.
  • If God wanted me to touch my toes, he would have put them on my knees.
  • I like having conversations with kids. Grownups never ask me what my third favorite reptile is.
  • The question isn't at what age I want to retire, it's at what income.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he’s too old to go anywhere. Billy Crystal
  • It's hard to make a comeback, especially when you haven't been anywhere.
  • My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping. Rita Rudner
  • It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens. Woody Allen
  • The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.Erma Bombeck
  • He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front. George Burns
  • Adolescents: People who never seem to realize that one day they will be as dumb as their parents.
  • The first rule of holes: If you are in one, stop digging.
  • Talking to a liberal is like trying to explain social media to a 70 years old.
  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age — as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight. Phyllis Diller
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do. Phyllis Diller
  • At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
  • True friends stab you in the front.
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
  • Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving. Author Unknown
  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
  • When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick. George Burns
  • Looking 50 is great if you’re 60. Joan Rivers
  • A day without sunshine is like a day in Seattle.
  • I finally got my head together; now my body is falling apart.
  • I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying. Woody Allen
  • I’m so old they’ve canceled my blood type. Bob Hope
  • It's not the pace of life that concerns me; it's the sudden stop at the end.
  • I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table. Rodney Dangerfield
  • I started out with nothing ... I still have most of it.
  • People shop for a bathing suit with more care than they do a husband or wife. The rules are the same. Look for something you’ll feel comfortable wearing. Allow for room to grow. Erma Bombeck
  • I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
  • A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.” Claude Pepper
  • So far, this is the oldest I’ve been. George Carlin
  • Bob Hope
  • Your best friends are those who speak well of you behind your back.
  • There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward. John Mortimer
  • You can live to be a hundred if you give up all the things that make you want to live to be a hundred. Woody Allen
  • The whole dating ritual was different when I was a kid; girls got pinned, not nailed.

Aging One Liners

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