One Liner Texts

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.

Here are some great one-liners for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows, movies, etc.

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liner Texts items I have now:

Adults are just kids who owe money
Support bacteria - they're the only culture some people have.
Beer is proof that God loves us and wants us to be happy.
“It became so cold in New York last night that it forced the flashers to describe themselves to people.”
Very funny, Scotty. Now beam down my clothes...
Everyone is entitled to my opinion
The only substitute for good manners is fast reflexes.
Born Free. . . . .Taxed to Death.
Red meat is not bad for you. Fuzzy green meat is bad for you.
I need more than 140 characters to tell you how beautiful you are.
Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
“I have 3 kids and no money, why I can’t I have no kids and 3 money.” -Homer Simpson
“I think it’s wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.” – Steven Wright
“My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance. We’ll see about that.” – Stewart Francis
Bride's Dad hands a note to the groom: 'GOODS DELIVERED ARE NOT RETURNABLE.' Groom gave another note back to father: 'CONTRACT VOID IF SEAL IS BROKEN.'
Excuse me. I'm from the FBI, the Fine Body Investigators, and I'm going to have to ask you to assume the position.
All power corrupts. Absolute power is pretty neat, though.
“The problem isn’t that obesity runs in your family. The problem is no one runs in your family.”
I got lost in thoughts. It was unfamiliar territory.
“It’s not that I’m afraid to die, I just don’t want to be there when it happens.” – Woody Allen
“When you look like I do, it’s hard to get a table for one at chuckee cheese.” – Zach Galifianakis
Which one of these is the non-smoking lifeboat?
“When I was a boy, I laid in my twin sized bed and wondered where my brother was.” – Mitch Hedberg
“When life gives you melons, you might be dyslexic.”
Conserve toilet paper, use both sides.
“You know what this shirts made out of? Boyfriend material.”
A hangover is the wrath of grapes
“My drug test came back negative. My dealer sure has some explaining to do.”
Be unique and different, just say yes.
Take my advice — I'm not using it.
The last thing I want to do is insult you. But it IS on the list.
The dogs bark but the caravan moves on. [Arabic saying]
“I’ve moved past threesomes. I’m now into foursomes. If someone backs out, then you’ve still got a threesome. If two people back out, you’re still having sex.” – Gregory House
“Circumcision is popular because Jewish girls won’t touch anything that’s not at least 15% off.”
Do witches run spell checkers?
“There’s no such thing as addiction, there’s only things that you enjoy doing more than life.” – Doug Stanhope
“Does my wife think I’m a control freak? I haven’t decided yet.” – Stewart Francis
I started with nothing, and I still have most of it.
Do pilots take crash-courses?
I feel so tired every time I meet you... Why? Because whenever I look into your eyes I can't find the way out.
“I did a gig in the U.S. once for the homeless. I said ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.’” – Jimmy Carr
Do you know karate? Cos damn it honey, your body is really kickin.
“The people voting for the Oscars are so old. I haven’t seen one Academy Award voter with a tampon in her purse.” – Joan Rivers
“I want to die peacefully in my sleep, like my grandfather.. Not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car.”
Always remember you're unique, just like everyone else.
“I told him to be himself, that was pretty mean I guess.” – Roger Sterling
“It’s sad that a family can be torn apart by something as simple as wild dogs.” – Jack Handey
A waist is a terrible thing to mind
“Honesty may be the best policy, but it’s important to remember that apparently, by elimination, dishonesty is the second-best policy.” – George Carlin
“The New England Journal of Medicine reports that 9 out of 10 doctors agree that 1 out of 10 doctors is an idiot.” – Jay Leno
“I taught Sunday School for two years. And I got fired. I abused my authority. I used to teach class like this, OK, if one more person talks, everybody is going to Hell. – Maragaret Cho
“The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.” – Demetri Martin
Can I flirt with you?
Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.
I'm sorry I wasn't part of your past, can I make it up by being in your future?
A feature is a bug with seniority
“I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.” – Rodney Dangerfield
Don't feel sad...don't feel blue...Frankenstein was ugly too...
“I don’t worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.” – Sam Kinison
When your only tool is a hammer, all problems start looking like nails.
Do you love me because I am beautiful or I am I beautiful because you love me?
In Seattle, they have a saying: ‘If you don’t like the weather, wait five minutes and then shoot yourself in the face.'” – Doug Benson
Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?
I would like to slip into something more comfortable - like a coma.
“My girlfriend used to smoke after sex, so we started using lube.” – Jimmy Carr
Does killing time damage eternity?
“I was going to tell you a joke about my vagina, but you will never get it.”
"Hi, I'm writing a phone book, can I have your number?"
Isn't it scary that doctors call what they do "practice"?
All stressed out and no one to choke
“There’s a reason it’s called ‘girls gone wild’ and not ‘women gone wild’. When girls go wild, they show their tits. When women go wild, they kill men and drown their kids in a tub.” – Louis CK
Now what's on the menu? Me-n-u
I don't have a solution, but I do admire the problem.
Apart from being sexy, what do you do for a living?
If I freeze, it's not a computer virus. I was just stunned by your beauty.
If nothing was learned, nothing was taught.
“My father is schizophrenia, but he’s good people.”- Stewart Francis
The problem with sex in the movies is, that the popcorn usually spills.
Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
Celibacy is not hereditary
Letting the cat out of the bag is a whole lot easier than putting it back in.
“Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.” – Demetri Martin
Exceptions always outnumber rules
Bud, what happen??? tried callin many time, everytime i get operator sayin 'Sorry, The Subscriber U R Calling is having Sex, Please try again later.'
Crime doesn't pay...Does that mean my job is a crime?
“Last night, I played poker with Tarot cards … got a full house and 4 people died.” – Steven Wright
The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese.
“The problem with kleptomaniacs is that they always take things literally.”
“What is worse than ants in your pants? Uncles”
“I had to stop drinking, cause I got tired of waking up in my car driving 90.” – Richard Pryor
A closed mouth gathers no feet
“They lie about marijuana: ‘Marijuana makes you unmotivated.’ Lie. When you’re high, you can do anything you normally do just as well. You just realize it’s not worth the fucking effort. There’s a difference.”
“Starbucks says they are going to start putting religious quotes on cups. The very first one will say, ‘Jesus! This cup is expensive!'” – Conan O’Brien
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
“I have a friend. He keeps trying to convince me he’s a compulsive liar, but I don’t believe him.” – Ben Bailey
Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder
My love for you is like dividing by zero - it cannot be defined.
Time does'nt exist. Clocks exists.
“Consider the daffodil…and while you’re doing that, I’ll be over here, going through your stuff.” – Jack Handy
You may fall from the sky, you may fall from a tree, but the best way to fall... is in love with me.
Bad sex is better then a good day in school.
“Sit on my lap and we’ll talk about the first thing that pops up.”
Living on Earth is expensive, but it does include a free trip around the sun.
“I have a lot of growing up to do. I realized that the other day inside my fort.” – Zach Galifianakis
“I don’t have a girlfriend, but I know a girl that would get really mad if she heard me say that.”
Well, here I am! What are your other two wishes?
Do not disturb. Already disturbed
BIGAMIST --- A heavy fog in Italy
“Onions make me sad. A lot of people don’t realize that.” – Mitch Hedberg
Familiarity breeds children
Am I dead, Angel? Cause this must be heaven!
The problem with trouble shooting is that trouble shoots back.
Damn girl, you have more curves than a race track.
Common sense isn't common
Can I have your picture so I can show Santa what I want for Christmas?
Talk is cheap. Until you hire a lawyer.
My mind’s made up, don’t confuse me with facts.
“I am originally from Indiana. I know what most of you are thinking: Indiana — mafia.” – Jim Gaffigan
“According to most studies, people’s number one fear is public speaking. Number two is death. Death is number two. Does that sound right? This means to the average person, if you go to a funeral, you’re better off in the casket than doing the eulogy.” – Jerry Seinfeld
“It takes a lot of balls to golf the way I do.”
Anything not nailed down is a cat toy
I'm no photographer, but I can picture us together.
Roses are red Violets are blue Love never crossed my mind Until I came across you.
“The liberals can understand everything but people who don’t understand them.” – Lenny Bruce
“Who has connections to Connecticut? That’s where rich people go to live the rest of their life in the woods.” – Patrice O’Neal
"Excuse me miss, can I have the time? I'd check my watch but I can't take my eyes off you."
Despite the cost of living, have you noticed how popular it remains?
Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.
Sure, I'd love to help you out ... now, which way did you come in?
“Thirty ways to shape up for summer. Number one: eat less. Number two: exercise more. Number three: what was I talking about again? I’m so hungry.” – Maria Bamford
Demons are a Ghouls best Friend
There is no dance without the dancers.
Excuse me? Do you work at Little Ceasars? Cuz Ur Hot And I'm Ready.
Treat each day as your last; one day you will be right.
“My ex girlfriend had this really weird fetish. She used to like to dress up like herself, and act like a fucking bitch all the time.” – Bo Burnham
“I can’t wait till Sunday, I’m gonna see my favorite niece and my other niece…” – Sarah Silverman
“I’m on a whiskey diet…I’ve lost three days already.” – Tommy Cooper
Bloke calls work : "Boss, cannae come in tae work. I'm sick" Boss asks: "How sick are u?" Bloke: "I'm F****ing my Sis, how sick is that???"
Sounds like its time to get that Enterprise built!
A: Because she threw out all the bent ones.
99 percent of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
Constipated people don't give a crap
Born Free........Taxed to Death.
If you are here - who is running hell?
Am I getting smart with you? ....How would you know?
All computers wait at the same speed
I don't flirt with disaster, I take it home and fuck it.
Always remember you're unique - just like everyone else.
Criminal Lawyer is a redundancy
Are you a singularity? Not only are you attractive, but the closer I get to you, the faster time seems to slip by.
“I had a wonderful childhood, which is tough because it’s hard to adjust to a miserable adulthood.” – Larry David
“I have the world’s largest collection of seashells, you may have seen it, I keep it scattered on beaches all over.”
Darling, I'm new in this town - dya think I could have directions to your house.
“I tried to change my password to penis but they said it was too short.’
If I want your opinion, I'll ask you to fill out the necessary forms.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious
“I don’t want to be part of a club that would have me as a member.” – Groucho Marx
Born free . . . Taxed to death
Allow me to introduce my selves
A husband was asked: Do u talk to wife after sex? His answer: Depends, if I can find a phone

Funny Christmas Tree Quotes

One Liner Medical Jokes

One Liner Hospital Jokes