One Liner Jokes for Seniors

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.


Here are some great one-liners for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows, movies, etc.

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liner Jokes for Seniors items I have now:

  • I tried to explain to my 4-year-old son that it's perfectly normal to accidentally poop your pants, but he's still making fun of me.
  • The only reason I would take up jogging is so that I could hear heavy breathing again.
  • When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to youth, think of algebra.
  • It’s scary when you start making the same noises as your coffeemaker.
  • I’ve learned that life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.
  • Don’t think of it as getting hot flashes. Think of it as your inner child playing with matches.
  • The good news is that even as we get older, guys still look at our boobs. The bad news is they have to squat down first.
  • I like older men because they've gotten used to life's disappointments. Which means they're ready for me.
  • Old age is when you resent the swimsuit issue of Sports Illustrated because there are fewer articles to read.
  • There is only one cure for gray hair. It was invented by a Frenchman. It is called the guillotine.
  • I always feel better when my doctor says something is normal for my age but then think dying will also be normal for my age at some point.
  • The older I get, the earlier it gets late.
  • Whatever you may look like, marry a man your own age as your beauty fades, so will his eyesight.
  • Aging gracefully is like the nice way of saying you're slowly looking worse.
  • A stockbroker urged me to buy a stock that would triple its value every year. I told him, ‘“At my age, I don’t even buy green bananas.”
  • Being an adult is just walking around wondering what you're forgetting.
  • Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving.
  • My memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Also, my memory’s not as sharp as it used to be. Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
  • The nice thing about being senile is you can hide your own Easter eggs.
  • A diplomat is a man who always remembers a woman's birthday but never remembers her age.
  • Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, “How old was your husband?” “98,” she replied. “Two years older than me.” “So you’re 96,” the undertaker commented. She responded, “Hardly worth going home, is it?
  • I’m at an age when my back goes out more than I do.
  • At what age is it appropriate to tell my dog that he's adopted?
  • I’m at the age where food has taken the place of sex in my life. In fact, I’ve just had a mirror put over my kitchen table.
  • So far, this is the oldest I’ve been.
  • I grew a beard thinking it would say "Distinguished Gentleman." Instead, turns out it says, "Senior Discount, Please!"
  • An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets the more interested he is in her.
  • At my age, flowers scare me.
  • Don’t let aging get you down. It’s too hard to get back up.!
  • These days about half the stuff in my shopping cart says, “For fast relief.”
  • He’s so old that when he orders a three-minute egg, they ask for the money up front.
  • I’ve tried to find a suitable exercise video for women my age, but they haven’t made one called “Buns of Putty.”
  • I’m getting into swing dancing. Not on purpose. Some parts of my body are just prone to swinging.
  • I’ve still got it, but nobody wants to see it.
  • I don’t want to achieve immortality through my work...I want to achieve it through not dying.
  • When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
  • You know you’re getting old when the candles cost more than the cake.
  • An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, she wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart. “Wal-Mart?” the preacher exclaimed. “Why Wal-Mart?” “Then I’ll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week.”
  • My grandmother was a very tough woman. She buried three husbands and two of them were just napping.

One Liner Jokes for Seniors

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