British One Liners

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.

Great List

Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some British One Liners items I have now:

  • I’ve spent the afternoon re-arranging the furniture in Dracula’s house. I was doing a bit of Fang-Shui.
  • I saw Arnold Schwarzenegger eating a chocolate egg. I said: ‘I bet I know what your favourite Christian festival is.’ He said: ‘You have to love Easter, baby.'
  • I went to the doctor. I said to him ‘I’m frightened of lapels.’ He said, ‘You’ve got cholera.'
  • But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
  • I was in the army once and the Sergeant said to me: ‘What does surrender mean?’ I said: ‘I give up!'
  • I was getting into my car, and this bloke says to me ‘Can you give me a lift?’ I said ‘Sure, you look great, the world’s your oyster, go for it.'
  • I bought a train ticket and the driver said ‘Eurostar?’ I said ‘Well, I’ve been on telly but I’m no Dean Martin.’ Still, at least it’s comfortable on Eurostar – it’s murder on the Orient Express.
  • You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said ‘Parking Fine.’ So that was nice.
  • I’m so lazy I’ve got a smoke alarm with a snooze button.
  • So I said to this train driver, "I want to go to Paris." He said, "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on the telly but I'm no Dean Martin".
  • I saw this advert in a window that said: ‘Television for sale, £1, volume stuck on full.’ I thought, ‘I can’t turn that down.'
  • I had a dream last night that I was cutting carrots with the Grim Reaper – dicing with death.
  • I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said ‘Who’s speaking please?’ And a voice said ‘You are.'
  • I was having dinner with my boss and his wife said, ‘How many potatoes would you like, Tim?’. I said ‘Ooh, I’ll just have one please.’ She said ‘It’s OK, you don’t have to be polite.’ ‘Alright,’ I said, ‘I’ll just have one then, you stupid cow.’
  • I rang up British Telecom and said: ‘I want to report a nuisance caller.’ He said: ‘Not you again.'
  • You see I'm against hunting. In fact, I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • I went down my local ice-cream shop, and said ‘I want to buy an ice-cream’. He said ‘Hundreds & thousands?’ I said ‘We’ll start with one.’ He said ‘Knickerbocker glory?’ I said ‘I do get a certain amount of freedom in these trousers, yes.'
  • The advantages of easy origami are two-fold.
  • I met the bloke who invented crosswords today. I can’t remember his name, it’s P-something T-something R…
  • But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a years supply of Marmite ... one jar.
  • Uncle Ben has died. No more Mr Rice Guy.
  • A friend of mine always wanted to be run over by a steam train. When it happened, he was chuffed to bits!
  • I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
  • My next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He’s a catholic converter.
  • So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Weggie Kray. So I said, "Do you want a game of darts?" He said, "OK then." I said, "Nearest to bull starts." He said, "Baa." I said, "Moo." He said, "You're closest".
  • So I said to the gym instructor, "Can you teach me to do the splits?" He said, "How flexible are you?" I said, "I can't make Tuesdays".
  • Do you know I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags? He's bisatchel.
  • Do you ever get that when you’re half way through eating a horse and you think to yourself, ‘I’m not as hungry as I thought I was?'
  • Now you know those trick candles that you blow out and a couple of seconds later they come alight again? Well, the other day there was a fire at the factory that makes them.
  • I saw this bloke chatting-up a cheetah and I thought: ‘He’s trying to pull a fast one.'
  • So I went down the local supermarket, I said, "I want to make a complaint -- this vinegar's got lumps in it." He said, "Those are pickled onions".
  • I went in to a pet shop. I said, ‘Can I buy a goldfish?’ The guy said, ‘Do you want an aquarium?’ I said, ‘I don’t care what star sign it is.'
  • I’m against hunting. In fact, I’m a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.
  • I was at sea the other day and loads of meat floated past. It was a bit choppy.
  • I’d like to start with the chimney jokes – I’ve got a stack of them. The first one is on the house.
  • I went into a shop and I said, ‘Can someone sell me a kettle?’ The bloke said ‘Kenwood?’ I said, ‘Where is he?'
  • Conjunctivitis.com – that’s a site for sore eyes.
  • So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says, "Your eyes sparkle like diamonds." I said, "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
  • He said, "You remind me of a pepper-pot." I said, "I'll take that as a condiment".
  • So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said, "Are you two an item"?
  • I rang up my local swimming baths. I said: ‘Is that the local swimming baths?’ He said: ‘It depends where you’re calling from.'
  • Exit signs? They’re on the way out!
  • I did a gig in a fertility clinic. I got a standing ovulation.
  • So I rang up British Telecom, I said, "I want to report a nuisance caller." He said, "Not you again".
  • So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?" I thought, "That's all I need, a Je-hoover's witness".
  • I’ll tell you what I love doing more than anything – trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.
  • So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins. I thought, "That's a turtle disaster".
  • I went down the local supermarket. I said: ‘I want to make a complaint – this vinegar’s got lumps in it.’ He said: ‘Those are pickled onions.'
  • The ‘king of one-liners’, Tim Vine (Photo: Getty) I said to the gym instructor: ‘Can you teach me to do the splits?’ He said: ‘How flexible are you?’ I said: ‘I can’t make Tuesdays.'
  • You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes. He's a Catholic converter.
  • I used go out with an anaesthetist – she was a local girl.
  • I went to a Pretenders concert. It was a tribute act.
  • Crime in multi-storey car parks. That is wrong on so many different levels.
  • Tim Vine has won numerous best joke awards (Photo: Getty) I was reading a book – ‘The History of Glue’ – I couldn’t put it down.
  • Eric Bristow asked me why I put superglue on one of his darts. I said ‘you just can’t let it go can you?'
  • You know, I’m not very good at magic – I can only do half of a trick. I’m a member of the Magic Semi-circle.
  • Velcro? What a rip-off!
  • Black Beauty – now there’s a dark horse.
  • I was stealing things in the supermarket today while balanced on the shoulders of vampires. I was charged with shoplifting on three counts.
  • I’ve decided to sell my Hoover – it was just collecting dust.
  • I was in this restaurant and I asked for something herby. They gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.
  • So I was having dinner with Gary Kasparov and there was a checked tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.
  • I went to buy a watch, and the man in the shop said ‘Analogue?’ I said ‘No, just a watch.'
  • This policeman came up to me with a pencil and a piece of very thin paper. He said, ‘I want you to trace someone for me.'
  • I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought, "he's trying to pull a fast one".
  • The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said, "Do you get my drift"?
  • I once did a gig in a zoo. I got babooned off.
  • This bloke said to me: ‘I’m going to attack you with the neck of a guitar.’ I said: ‘Is that a fret?'
  • I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing Queen on it. I thought, ‘that’s Abba-riginal.'

British One Liners

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