Wife One Liners

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.

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Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Wife One Liners items I have now:

  • Every wife should understand one thing: a dinner will taste better if she cooks it less frequently.
  • To a young housewife: remember that a small bottle of vodka not only will decorate the table but also will hide your cooking mistakes.
  • Any married man should forget his mistakes, there's no use in two people remembering the same thing.
  • What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.
  • I bought my wife a new car. She called and said, 'There's water in the carburettor'. I said, 'Where's the car?' She said, 'In the lake.' (Henny Youngman)
  • Any husband who says. 'My wife and I are completely equal partners', is talking about either a law firm or a hand of bridge. (Bill Cosby)
  • What do you call a woman who knows where her husband is every night? A widow.
  • Why didn't the man report his stolen credit card? The thief was spending less then his wife.
  • My wife sent her photograph to the Lonely Hearts Club. They sent it back saying they weren't that lonely.
  • Marriage is like a bar of soap. It smells delicious until you take a bite out of it!
  • Why is divorce so expensive? Because it's worth it!
  • You can make a lot of money in this game; just ask my ex-wives; both of them are so rich that neither of their husbands work.
  • What do you call a woman who is paralyzed from the waist down? Married.
  • My wife ran off with my best friend last week. I miss him!
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards.
  • It is better to have an ugly wife for one’s self than a beautiful wife for others.
  • A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband. A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.
  • What's the best way to get a man to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.
  • People who live in stone houses shouldn't throw glasses.
  • The difference between divorce and legal separation is that a legal separation gives a husband time to hide his money.
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  • I tell ya, my wife likes to talk during sex; last night, she called me from a motel.
  • Wives are people who feel they don't dance enough. - Groucho Marx
  • When a newly married woman smiles, all know why, but when a ten-years married woman smiles, all wonder why.
  • Outvoted 1-1 by my wife again.
  • What's the difference between wife and a blue whale? About 10 pounds.
  • You should argue with your wife only when she's not around.
  • Before the wedding I have loved all the women on earth, after the wedding one woman less.
  • Satan probably wouldn’t have talked so big if God had been his wife.
  • Never get on one knee for a girl who won't get on two for you.
  • With my wife I get no respect. I fell asleep with a cigarette in my hand; she lit it.
  • You shouldn't come back, because later you'll still want to leave.
  • I am a very committed wife, and I should be committed too – for being married so many times.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. (Rodney Dangerfield)
  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. - Ann Bancroft
  • What is the one thing that all men at singles bars have in common? They're married.
  • My mother buried three husbands, and two of them were just napping. - Rita Rudner
  • What's the difference between a paycheck and a penis? You don't have to beg your wife to blow your paycheck.
  • It's better to be the first lover than a third wife.
  • I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months- I don't like to interrupt her.
  • I never mind my wife having the last word; in fact, I’m delighted when she gets to it.
  • My wife has to be the worst cook. Her specialty is indigestion.
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. (Phyllis Diller)
  • A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce.
  • What happened when the two angels got married? They lived harpily ever after!
  • The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.
  • Two years ago I married a lovely young virgin, and if that doesn't change soon, I'm gonna divorce her.
  • I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.
  • Marriage Jokes and One-liners Researched by Alan Turnham
  • Childs experience: if a mother is laughing at the fathers jokes, it means they have guests.
  • A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't. A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, and she does.
  • How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry it!
  • Dear men, if you stopped seeing your wife as a woman, it doesn't mean that all men are blind.
  • What are the three words women hate to hear during sex? "Honey, I'm home!"
  • My wife installed a mirror over our bed. She said she likes to watch herself laugh.
  • Why did the bee get married? Because he found his honey.
  • The other day my wife asked me to take her someplace real expensive to eat, so I took her to the airport.
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong.
  • The only thing worse than a man you can't control is a man you can.
  • Funny Marriage Notions Worth Remembering
  • Now, it’s true I married my wife for her looks… but not the ones she's been givin’ me lately.
  • Always get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day. - Mickey Rooney (married 8 times)
  • A good wife always forgives her husband when she's wrong. (Milton Berle)
  • Darling, you are the most beautiful woman in this party! Did you invite these guests on purpose?
  • Marriage is like deleting all the apps on your phone except one.
  • Wife: "I look fat. Can you give me a compliment?" Husband: "You have perfect eyesight."
  • You can't know a person well until you live with them. You can't know them really well until you divorce them.
  • My ex wrote to me: Can you delete my number? I responded: Who is this?
  • Men live better than women. First of all, they get married later and secondly, they die earlier.
  • Marriage is the main reason for divorce.
  • There are 2 times when a man doesn't understand a woman - before marriage and after marriage.
  • A wife can enjoy anything, until it's not my salary.
  • Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.
  • Marrying a divorced man is ecologically responsible. In a world where there are more women than men, it pays to recycle.
  • Love may be blind, but marriage is a real eye-opener.
  • My wife and I always compromise. I admit I'm wrong and she agrees with me.
  • Bride: A gal who puts her foot down as soon as her new husband has carried her over the threshold.
  • Marriage:is like going to a restaurant You order what you want, then when you see what the other person has, you wish you had ordered that.
  • You sound reasonable. It must be time to up my medication!
  • Love is one long sweet dream... and marriage is the alarm clock.
  • Why can't single women fart? They don't get an asshole till they get married.
  • My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met. - Rodney Dangerfield
  • Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.
  • An iron rule of a leader – make love to your wife in the morning and you will be the first.
  • Brigands demand your money or your life, women require both. (Samuel Butler)
  • It's uncomfortable when the neighbor's kids look like you.
  • A wife is like a boomerang – the harder you throw the faster she comes back.
  • Anonymous Marriage One-liners
  • It's not a flaw to have a husband, but an essential drawback to have a wife.
  • Only after getting married you realise that those husband-wife jokes were not just jokes.
  • It is much easier to apologize than to ask permission.
  • The only one of your children who does not grow up and move away is your husband.
  • My wife and I had a two-hour fight about whether or not we were fighting.
  • I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewellery. (Rita Rudner)
  • A good wife is one who can mow the lawn in the summer and put up the storm windows in the winter.
  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way.
  • If a man goes cheats for four times, according to the rules of geometry, he will come home.
  • When I met my wife I wanted sex in the worst way… and I got it.
  • She is not my reword, I am her punishment.
  • Losing a husband can be hard: in my case it was almost impossible.
  • It's a sin to love another's wife and a punishment to love yours.
  • What do you do when your dishwasher stops working? Yell at her.
  • I belong to Bridegrooms Anonymous. Whenever I feel like getting married they send over a lady in a housecoat and curlers to burn my toast for me. - Dick Martin
  • A bachelor is a guy who never made the same mistake once. - Phyllis Diller
  • Get married early in the morning. That way, if it doesn't work out, you haven't wasted a whole day.
  • The best way to get most husbands to do something is to suggest that perhaps they're too old to do it. (Ann Bancroft)
  • Marriage is a great institution, but I'm not ready for an institution yet. - Mae West
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  • My wife dresses to kill. She cooks the same way. (Henny Youngman)
  • I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. (George Burns)
  • You have two choices in life: You can stay single and be miserable, or get married and wish you were dead.
  • Five Fun Facts and Funny Marriage Trivia
  • How are husbands like lawn mowers? They're hard to get started, they emit noxious odors, and half the time they don't work.
  • Just read that 4,153,237 people got married last year, not to cause any trouble but shouldn't that be an even number?
  • I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back.
  • Most wives are like ventriloquists: they stand there nodding while the dummy does all the talking.
  • What's the difference between a girlfriend and a wife? 45 pounds.
  • Love is blind, only marriage opens your eyes.
  • People are always asking couples whose marriages have endured at least a quarter of a century for their secret for success. Actually, it is no secret at all. I am a forgiving woman. Long ago, I forgave my husband for not being Paul Newman. - Erma Bombeck
  • Why does the bride always wear white? Because it is good for the dishwasher to match the stove and refrigerator.
  • You might be a redneck if… you think loading the dishwasher means getting your wife drunk.
  • What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband? 45 minutes.
  • It's like my ex-wife… 21 different personalities and seven of them hated me.
  • My son asked me what it's like to be married so I told him to leave me alone and when he did I asked him why he was ignoring me.
  • I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
  • Marriage is like a coffin and each kid is another nail.
  • I married a German. Every night I dress up as Poland and he invades me. - Bette Midler
  • The five most essential words for a healthy, vital relationship "I apologize" and "You are right."
  • Why do husbands die before their wives? They want to.
  • Husbands are chiefly good lovers when they are betraying their wives.
  • The gifts you buy your wife are never as appropriate as the gifts your neighbor buys his wife.
  • I take my wife everywhere… but she keeps finding her way back.
  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to.
  • When you want to marry a beautiful, a smart and a rich woman – marry three times.
  • At every party there are two kinds of people: those who want to go home and those who don't. The trouble is, they are usually married to each other.
  • I recently read that love is entirely a matter of chemistry. That must be why my wife treats me like toxic waste.
  • Marriage is the alliance of two people, one of whom never remembers birthdays and the other never forgets them.
  • Never go to bed mad. Stay up and fight. - Phyllis Diller
  • What should you do if you see your ex-husband rolling around in pain on the ground? Shoot him again.
  • Do you need space? Join NASA!
  • Behind every successful man is his woman. Behind the fall of a successful man is usually another woman.
  • By all means marry. If you get a good wife, you’ll become happy. If you get a bad one, you’ll become a philosopher. - Socrates
  • How can you tell if your wife is dead? The sex is the same but the dishes pile up.
  • In my house I'm the boss. My wife is just the decision maker. - Woody Allen
  • Once in a restaurant I made a toast to her… “The best woman a man ever had”… the waiter joined me.
  • What's the difference between your wife and your job? After five years your job will still suck.
  • About 30 pounds. - Cindy Garner
  • If you can't say something nice, say it to your husband... he's not listening anyway.
  • What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.
  • Marriage is like waiting in line for a ride at an amusement park. You spend 99% of the time pissed off for 1% of intense pleasure.
  • How do I disable the autocorrect function on my wife?
  • If a wife is silent and not arguing – it means she's sleeping.
  • Alcohol is a perfect solvent: It dissolves marriages, families and careers.
  • The value of money in a relationship: the 10 bucks that the wife and the tax inspection don't know about are worth more than the 100 that both know about.
  • A little boy asked his father, "Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?" Father replied, "I don't know son, I'm still paying."
  • The most dangerous room in the house really depends on where your wife is at the moment.
  • My wife's not too smart. I told her, our kids were spoiled. She said, "All kids smell that way."
  • Keep your eyes wide open before marriage, half shut afterwards. (Benjamin Franklin)
  • I never could bring a woman into my house. At first, because of the parents. Later, because of the wife.
  • Marriage One-liners an Jokes
  • You know what I did before I married? Anything I wanted to. (Henny Youngman) [For those who do not know him, Henny (not Henry) Youngman was an American stand up comedian.]
  • Marriage Jokes and One-liners
  • What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
  • If you want breakfast in bed, sleep in the kitchen.
  • Every time you talk to your wife, your mind should remember that... 'This conversation will be recorded for Training and Quality purpose'
  • I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said, "Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?"
  • I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years.
  • I tended to place my wife under a pedestal.
  • Dear ladies, if you want to have more free time and have fun on the weekends, teach your men fishing!
  • May you never leave your marriage alive.
  • At the end of the Peterson trial, my daughter turns to me and she goes, 'Daddy, are you going to kill Mommy?'… 'Oh, honey – that's up to Mommy, isn't it?'

Wife One Liners

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