Intellectual One Liners

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.


Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Intellectual One Liners items I have now:

  • “Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”
  • A student traveling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him. Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”
  • Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says: “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it’s funny or not?” Gödel replies: “We can’t know that because we’re inside the joke.” Chomsky says: “Of course it’s funny. You’re just telling it wrong.”
  • If we couldn't laugh, we would all go insane.
  • A Roman walks into a bar, holds up two fingers, and says: “Five beers, please.”
  • We just got a fax. At work. We didn't know we had a fax machine. The entire department just stared at it. I poked it with a stick.
  • If you're confident after you've just finished an exam, it's because you don't know enough to know better.
  • My IQ came back negative.
  • What does the “B” in Benoit B Mandelbrot stand for? Answer: Benoit B Mandelbrot.
  • Idiot: A member of a large and powerful tribe whose influence in human affairs has always been dominant and controlling.
  • All you need is ignorance and confidence and the success is sure.
  • When a true genius appears in the world you may know him by this sign: that all the dunces are in confederacy against him.
  • Thanks for explaining the word "many" to me, it means a lot.
  • The barman says: “We don’t serve faster-than-light particles here.” A tachyon enters a bar.
  • A conclusion is the part where you got tired of thinking.
  • How does a blonde drown a fish? She puts it in water!
  • Pavlov is enjoying a pint in the pub. The phone rings. He jumps up and shouts: “Hell, I forgot to feed the dog!”
  • Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero? He’s 0K now.
  • An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are walking down the street together. A juggler is performing on the street but there are so many people that the four men can’t see the juggler. So the juggler goes on top of a platform and asks: “Can you see me now?” The four men answer: “Yes.” “Oui.” “Si.” “Ja.”
  • There are 10 types of people in this world. Those that know binary, and those that don’t.
  • The IQ and the life expectancy of the average American recently passed each other going in opposite directions.
  • A programmer’s wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.” The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.
  • Are you made of copper and tellurium? Because you're CuTe
  • You take away the looks, money, intelligence, charm and success and, really, there's no real difference between me and George Clooney.
  • If you were a triangle youd be acute one.
  • Talk sense to a fool and he calls you foolish.
  • I remember when Grandpa’s memories started to go; it was the day I caught him urinating with the door open… which is not a huge deal, but it’s annoying when I’m trying to drive.
  • It is best to read the weather forecast before we pray for rain.
  • All the good ideas I ever had came to me while I was milking a cow.
  • A photon checks into a hotel and the porter asks him if he has any luggage. The photon replies: “No, I’m traveling light.”
  • Any great truth can – and eventually will – be expressed as a cliche.2. Half of being smart is knowing what you're dumb at.
  • We have, by far, the highest IQ of any cabinet ever.
  • How many programmers does it take to change a light bulb? None, it’s a hardware problem.
  • Intelligence is like an underwear. It is important that you have it, but not necessary that you show it off.
  • A wise man once said... Nothing, he only listened.
  • Never trust an atom. They make up everything.
  • Love is the triumph of imagination over intelligence.
  • My mind's made up, don't confuse me with facts.
  • I refuse to have a battle of wits with an unarmed person.
  • There are three types of intelligence: the intelligence of man, the intelligence of animals and the intelligence of the military… in that order.
  • A TV can insult your intelligence, but nothing rubs it in like a computer.
  • What a distressing contrast there is between the radiant intelligence of the child and the feeble mentality of the average adult.
  • When I heard that oxygen and magnesium hooked up I was like OMg.
  • The first requisite of intelligent tinkering is to save all the pieces.
  • You have two parts of brain, 'left' and 'right'. In the left side, there's nothing right. In the right side, there's nothing left.
  • A Buddhist monk approaches a hotdog stand and says: “Make me one with everything”.
  • What do you call two crows on a branch? Attempted murder.
  • Maybe if we start telling people the brain is an app they will start using it.
  • eBay is so useless. I tried to look up lighters and all they had was 13,749 matches.
  • Bo Derek turned down the role of Helen Keller because she couldn't remember the lines.
  • Did you hear about the jurisprudence fetishist? He got off on a technicality.
  • An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar. The bartender says: “What’ll it be, boys?” The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.” The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.” The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.” The fourth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a…” The bartender interrupts: “Know your limits, boys” as he pours out a single beer.
  • I ain’t in a happy frame of mood.
  • I was going to look for my missing watch, but I could never find the time.
  • If you make something idiot-proof, the world will create a better idiot.
  • Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French café, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress: “I’d like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies: “I’m sorry, Monsieur, but we’re out of cream. How about with no milk?”
  • Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
  • What does a dyslexic, agnostic, insomniac spend most of his time doing? Staying up all night wondering if there really is a dog.
  • You’re not too smart, are you? I like that in a man.
  • The minute you read something that you can’t understand, you can almost be sure that it was drawn up by a lawyer.
  • A classics professor goes to a tailor to get his trousers mended. The tailor asks: “Euripides?” The professor replies: “Yes. Eumenides?”
  • Scientists say the universe is made up of Protons, Neutrons, and Electrons. They forgot to mention Morons.
  • Are you made of beryllium, gold, and titanium? You must be because you are BeAuTi-ful.

Intellectual One Liners

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