Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Sarcastic One Liners items I have now:

• If I promise to miss you, will you go, like, really far away?
• When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product, the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on
• I have as much authority as the Pope
• I feel so miserable without you, it's almost like having you here.
• If A is a success in life, then A equals X plus Y plus Z. Work is X; Y is play; and Z is keeping your mouth shut.
• If idiots grew on trees, this place would be an orchard
• A bureaucrat is a Democrat who holds some office that a Republican wants.
• Pacifism is objectively pro-Fascist..."he that is not with me is against me."
  
• My girlfriend told me to go out and get something that makes her look sexy, so I got drunk
• If you love someone set them free. If they come back, set them on fire.
• An excellent man: he has no enemies, and none of his friends like him.
• Hard work is simply the refuge of people who have nothing whatever to do.
• A baseball game is twice as much fun if you're seeing it on the company's time.
• If you see me smiling it’s because I’m thinking of doing something bad
• Hi there, I’m human
• Not all men are annoying
• I’m pretty sure I married someone else’s soulmate
• Despite a lifetime of service to the cause of sexual liberation, I have never caught venereal disease, which makes me feel rather like an Arctic explorer who has never had frostbite.
• If at first you don’t succeed, stop trying already
• Think I’m sarcastic? Watch me pretend to care.
• Sarcasm about Friends
• You take my life when you do take the means whereby I live.
• I can totally keep secrets
  
• Please tell me this train of thought you’re on has a caboose
• No, Groucho is not my real name. I am breaking it in for a friend.
• The trouble with the rat raceis that even if you win, you're still a rat.
• Did you fall from heaven? Cause your face looks kind of funky
• I've decided that perhaps I'm bulimic and just keep forgetting to purge.
• I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you
• Don’t you hate people who use big words just to make themselves look perspicacious?
• Sorry, my dog ate your text again
• I always tell new hires, “Don’t think of me as your boss, think of me as a friend who can fire you
• Friendship is Love, without his wings.
• This obviously isn’t working out
• To fall in love is awfully simple; to fall out of love is simply awful.
• Organized crime in America takes in over forty billion dollars a year and spends very little on office supplies.
• I would kill for a Nobel Peace Prize
• These parts of the work should be called: A best means for getting a headache!
• Those of you who think you know it all are really annoying to those of us who do
• He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends.
• I’d be fine if there weren’t so much blood in my alcohol system
• They say you are what you eat, so lay off the nuts already
• Would you rather have a million bucks, or [insert name]’s head full of nickels?
• Would you like to dance? No? You must’ve misheard me
• No degree of dullness can safeguard a work against the determination of critics to find it fascinating.
• He loves nature in spite of what it did to him.
• If at first you don’t succeed, blame someone else and seek counseling
• You don't like your job, you don't strike. You go in every day and do it really half-assed. That's the American way.
• Lord, defend me from my friends; I can account for my enemies.
• In nature, there are neither rewards nor punishments; there are consequences.
  
• You might love your life, but I think it just wants to be friends
• Friends will keep you sane, Love could fill your heart, A lover can warm your bed, But lonely is the soul without a mate.
• Sarcasm about Work
• If we are the only intelligent life in the universe, at least there's a finite number of idiots.
• I hate it when I go to hug someone really sexy and my face smashes right into the mirror
• I swear I wasn’t lying, I was just writing fiction with my mouth again
• We English are good at forgiving our enemies; it releases us from the obligation of liking our friends.
• A lot of people quit looking for work as soon as they find a job.
• My son asked me what it’s like to be married so I told him to leave me
• Oh, you hate your job? Why didn't you say so? There's a support group for that. It's called EVERYBODY, and they meet at the bar.
• Even people who are good for nothing can bring a smile to your face—once you shove them down the stairs, that is
• The wastebasket is a writer's best friend.
• Why do people make end-of-the-world jokes like there’s no tomorrow?
• The key to happiness is self-delusion. Don't think of yourself as an organic pain collector racing toward oblivion.
• Well, this day was a total waste of makeup
• Your mind might want to dance, but your body is a really awkward white guy
• The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it
• Always remember: You’re just as unique as everybody else
• Your opinion is very important to me
• Love is like heaven, but it can hurt like hell.
  
• So many freaks, so few circuses
• Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then
• Honesty may be the best policy, but insanity is the best defense
• God doesn't measure His bounty, but oh how we do!
• #NAME?
• Life is tough enough without having someone kick you from the inside.
• I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.
• Take my advice — it’s not like I’m dumb enough to
• Outside of a dog, a book is probably man's best friend, and inside of a dog, it's too dark to read.
• True friends stab you in the front.
• Love is a hole in the heart.
• Strong people don’t put others down
• If you’re here, who’s running hell?
• Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re not that bright
• Why0 is it that everything you love is either unhealthy, addictive, or has multiple restraining orders against you?
• Masturbation is like procrastination—it’s all good fun until you realize you’re just fucking yourself
• Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once
• Did something bad happen to you, or are you just naturally this terrible of a person?
• Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence.
  
• Sarcasm about Love
• Light travels faster than sound, which is why people like you appear bright—until they open their mouths
• If you need so much space, there’s always NASA