Bad One Liners

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.

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Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some Bad One Liners items I have now:

  • I was thinking about moving to Moscow but there is no point Russian into things.
  • I used to wonder why Frisbees looked bigger the closer they came… And then it hit me!
  • I’ve deleted the phone numbers of all the Germans I know from my mobile phone.
  • What do sprinters eat before a race?
  • Why do crabs never give to charity?
  • What’s the advantage of living in Switzerland?
  • It’s something I could really see myself doing.
  • How did the picture end up in jail? It was framed!
  • The Past, The Present and The Future walked into a bar.
  • Because they’re shellfish.
  • The doctor replies, “Because I’m trying to examine you”
  • Free of charge.
  • I used to go fishing with Skrillex. But he kept dropping the bass.
  • He says, “Uno, dos…” and then *poof*. He disappeared without a tres!
  • I don’t know what he laced them with but I’ve been trippin’ all day.
  • Why do birds fly south for the winter ? Because it's to far to walk.
  • I cut my finger chopping cheese, but I think that I may have grater problems.
  • Why did the scientist install a knocker on his front door? He wanted to win the No-bell prize!
  • Because the chicken joke wasn’t invented yet.
  • People are making apocalypse jokes like there’s no tomorrow.
  • I’m reading a book about anti-gravity. It’s impossible to put down!
  • Jokes about menstruation just aren’t funny.
  • Did you hear about the Italian Chef that died?
  • Gimme a pizza that.
  • I’m glad I know sign language. It can come in pretty handy!
  • Who can shave 25 times a day and still have a beard?
  • Q. Who's the most popular girl? A. She 's the one who can eat the last two doughnuts.
  • How do you make holy water?
  • Period.
  • Now it’s Hans free.
  • A hooker walks into the bank to put some recently acquired diamond earrings in her safety deposit box. The banker says to her "Ma'am I happen to know something about jewelry and those aren't real diamonds." "Oh my god" screams the hooker "I've been raped"
  • I went to the doctor today and he told me I had type A blood but it was a type O.
  • Looks tasty.
  • A police officer just knocked on my door and told me my dogs are chasing people on bikes. That’s ridiculous. My dogs don’t even own bikes!
  • If you’re struggling to think of what to get someone for Christmas.
  • In case he gets a hole in one!
  • What can Woody Allen do that the New York Rangers can't? Woody Allen can score before the first period.
  • How come you never hear anything about the 10th reindeer "Olive" ? Olive? Yeah, you know, "Olive the other reindeer, used to laugh and call him names"
  • How do you tell the difference between a frog and a horny toad?
  • The guardians of the galaxy!
  • I needed a password eight characters long so I picked Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs.
  • My ex-wife still misses me. But her aim is starting to improve!
  • Roberto
  • Because people are dying to get in.
  • A barber.
  • What’s Forest Gump’s Facebook password?
  • No?
  • A mexican magician tells the audience he will disappear on the count of 3.
  • Why do prostitutes make more money than drug dealers? A prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
  • Well, well, well.
  • She was only a whiskey-maker, but he loved her still.
  • Kara-tea.
  • I bought some shoes off of a drug dealer.
  • Two egotists started a fight. It was an I for an I!
  • It was tense.
  • Get them a fridge and watch their face light up when they open it.
  • Nothing, they fast.
  • What do you call the security guards outside of Samsung.
  • There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.
  • José and Hose B.
  • A termite walks into a bar and asks “Is the bar tender here?”
  • I think I want a job cleaning mirrors.
  • What do you call an overweight psychic? A four-chin teller!
  • What did the Mexican firefighter name his two sons?
  • I wanted to take pictures of the fog this morning… But I mist my chance. I guess I could dew it tomorrow!
  • You boil the hell out of it.
  • Have you heard about the bulemic stripper? The cake comes out of her!
  • Without geometry life is pointless.
  • Q. Who's the most popular guy at the nudist colony? A. He's the one who can carry two pots of coffee and a dozen doughnuts.
  • Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?
  • I used to have a job at a calendar factory but I got the sack because I took a couple of days off.
  • What's the difference between love, true love and showing off? Spitting, swallowing and gargling.
  • A man goes to the doctor for his annual check-up, and the doctor tells him, “You need to stop masturbating.”
  • I gave all my dead batteries away today.
  • He pasta way.
  • 1forest1.
  • What do you call an Argentinian with a rubber toe?
  • Cashier in the grocery: “Would you like the milk in a bag”?
  • Why is Christmas just like a day at the office? You do all the work and the fat guy with the suit gets all the credit.
  • Well, the flag is a big plus.
  • I went to a book store and asked the saleswoman where the Self Help section was, she said if she told me it would defeat the purpose.
  • Why did the dinosaur cross the road?
  • Why did the pervert cross the road? He was stuck to the chicken!
  • The man asks, “Why?”
  • Why are there fences around a graveyard?
  • A frog says, ‘Ribbit, ribbit’ and a horny toad says, ‘Rub it, rub it.
  • Man: “No, just leave it in the carton”.
  • What do you call a Mexican man leaving the hospital? Manuel
  • You hear the one about the three holes in the ground filled with water?
  • What is the Karate experts favorite beverage?

Bad One Liners

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