One Liners Rodney Dangerfield

Huge list of some great quotes from your favorite people, movies, and shows.


Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners Rodney Dangerfield items I have now:

  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
  • My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
  • The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
  • I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
  • My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
  • My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood - he ran a tab!
  • I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
  • My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.
  • For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
  • I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
  • I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.
  • My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
  • At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
  • I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'
  • I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
  • Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
  • In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
  • I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.
  • When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
  • I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to.
  • During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
  • Last week, my tie caught on fire; some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
  • A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
  • Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
  • I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
  • With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
  • I have three kids, one of each.
  • I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
  • I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
  • I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, 'On your mark... '
  • I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
  • My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
  • People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
  • Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
  • I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
  • Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
  • I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.
  • I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
  • Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
  • The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
  • My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
  • I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
  • One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
  • When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.'
  • My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
  • Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
  • Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
  • A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody's fingers.
  • I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
  • When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
  • I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
  • I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
  • I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
  • With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.
  • What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.

One Liners from the One Liners Rodney Dangerfield

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