Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners Rodney Dangerfield items I have now:

• I came from a real tough neighborhood. On my street, the kids take hubcaps… from moving cars.
• My cousin is gay; I always tell him that in our family tree, he's in the fruit section.
• The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money usually costs a lot less.
• I bought a new Japanese car. I turned on the radio... I don't understand a word they're saying.
• My cousin is gay; he went to London only to find out that Big Ben was a clock.
  
• My doctor told me to watch my drinking. Now I drink in front of a mirror. And I drink too much, way too much; my doctor drew blood - he ran a tab!
• I had plenty of pimples as a kid. One day I fell asleep in the library. When I woke up, a blind man was reading my face.
• My cousin is gay; in school while other kids were dissecting frogs, he was opening flies.
• For two hours, some guy followed me around with a pooper scooper.
• I was so ugly my mother used to feed me with a sling shot.
• I looked up my family tree and found three dogs using it.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Once, a guy pulled a knife on me. I knew he wasn't a professional; the knife had butter on it.
• My sex life is terrible; my wife put a mirror over the dog's bed. Actually she did put a mirror over our bed. She says she likes to watch herself laugh.
• At twenty, a man is full of fight and hope. He wants to reform the world. When he is seventy, he still wants to reform the world, but he knows he can't.
• I went to see my doctor. 'Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror... I feel like throwing up. What's wrong with me?' He said, 'I don't know but your eyesight is perfect.'
• I come from a stupid family. My father worked in a bank. They caught him stealing pens.
• Oh, when I was a kid in show business I was poor. I used to go to orgies to eat the grapes.
  
• In the school I went to, they asked a kid to prove the law of gravity and he threw the teacher out of the window.
• I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous… everyone hasn't met me yet.
• When my old man wanted sex, my mother would show him a picture of me.
• I'm at the age where I want two girls. In case I fall asleep, they will have someone to talk to.
• During sex, my girlfriend always wants to talk to me. Just the other night she called me from a hotel.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. I bought a waterbed and found a guy at the bottom of it.
• Last week, my tie caught on fire; some guy tried to put it out with an axe.
• A travel agent told I could spend seven nights in Hawaii… no days, just nights.
• Last week I told my psychiatrist, 'I keep thinking about suicide.' He told me from now on I have to pay in advance.
• I have nothing but troubles with my car. Every Sunday I take my family out for a push.
• With girls, I don't think right. I had a date with one girl, she had mirrors all over her bedroom. She told me to come over and bring a bottle. I got Windex.
• I have three kids, one of each.
• I got myself good this morning too. I did my pushups in the nude; I didn't see the mouse trap.
• I looked up my family tree and found out I was the sap.
  
• I was so depressed that I decided to jump from the tenth floor. They sent up a priest. He said, 'On your mark... '
• I could tell that my parents hated me. My bath toys were a toaster and a radio.
• My wife only has sex with me for a purpose. Last night it was to time an egg.
• People say fish is good for a diet. But fish should never be cooked in butter. Fish should be cooked in its natural oils - Texaco, Mobil, Exxon...
• Boy, is my wife stupid! It takes her an hour and a half to watch 60 minutes. My daughter's no bargain either. In public school she was voted most likely to conceive.
• I met the surgeon general - he offered me a cigarette.
• Last week I was walking by a cemetery, two guys came after me with shovels. It was all about money.
• I come from a stupid family. During the Civil War my great uncle fought for the West.
• I went to the doctor because I'd swallowed a bottle of sleeping pills. My doctor told me to have a few drinks and get some rest.
• Last year my birthday cake looked like a prairie fire.
• The other night a mugger took off his mask and made me wear it.
• My kid wants to be a prison warden when he grows up so he can put thumb tacks on the electric chairs.
• I once went out with this wild girl. She made French toast and got her tongue caught in the toaster.
• One time my whole family played hide and seek. They found my mother in Pittsburgh!
• When I was born, the doctor came out to the waiting room and said to my father, 'I'm very sorry. We did everything we could. But he pulled through.'
• My old man, I told him I'm tired of running around in circles. So he nailed my other foot to the floor.
• Acting deals with very delicate emotions. It is not putting up a mask. Each time an actor acts he does not hide; he exposes himself.
• Men who do things without being told draw the most wages.
  
• A girl phoned me the other day and said, 'Come on over, there's nobody home.' I went over. Nobody was home.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. Why, every time I shut the window, I hurt somebody's fingers.
• I'm so ugly - my father carries around a picture of the kid who came with his wallet.
• When I was a kid my parents moved a lot, but I always found them.
• I'm taking Viagra and drinking prune juice - I don't know if I'm coming or going.
• I bought a perfect second car... a tow truck.
• I came from a real tough neighborhood. In the local restaurant, I sat down and had broken leg of lamb.
• With my old man I got no respect. I asked him, 'How can I get my kite in the air?' He told me to run off a cliff.
• What a dog I got, he found out we look alike, so he killed himself.