Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners by Steven Wright items I have now:

• Experience is something you don’t get until just after you need it.
• Hermits have no peer pressure.
• Hard work pays off in the future. Laziness pays off now.
• I saw a close friend of mine the other day... He said, 'Stephen, why haven't you called me?' I said, 'I can't call everyone I want. My new phone has no five on it.' He said, 'How long have you had it?' I said, 'I don't know... my calendar has no sevens on it.'
• I was reading the dictionary. I thought it was a poem about everything.
• I was sad because I had no shoes, until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, "Got any shoes you're not using?"
• A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
  
• For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
• I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, “Hey, the sign says you’re open 24 hours.” He said, “Yes, but not in a row.”
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. He’s gone now.
• Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
• A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth taken from space. On the back it said, “Wish you were here.”
• I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road. I don’t know how I got there.
• A cop stopped me for speeding. He said, “Why were you going so fast?” I said, “See this thing my foot is on? It’s called an accelerator. When you push down on it, it sends more gas to the engine. The whole car just takes right off. And see this thing? This steers it.”
• I intend to live forever – so far, so good.
• I eat swiss cheese from the inside out.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
• Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
• For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room and let them fight it out.
• I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.
• I almost had a psychic girlfriend but she left me before we met.
• I went over to the neighbor's and asked to borrow a cup of salt. 'What are you making?' 'A salt lick.'
• I bought a million lottery tickets. I won a dollar.
• I saw a sign: “Rest Area 25 Miles”. That’s pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
• I went to a 7-11 and asked for a 2×4 and a box of 3×5’s. The clerk said, “ten-four.”
• I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it’s going to be up all night.
• All those who believe in psychokinesis raise my hand.
• I went into this bar and sat down next to a pretty girl. She looked at me and said, “Hey, you have two different colored socks on.” I said, “Yeah, I know, but to me they’re the same because I go by thickness.”
• A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
  
• 7 percent of all statistics are made up on the spot.
• I brought a mirror to Lovers' Lane. I told everybody I'm Narcissus.
• I saw a bank that said “24 Hour Banking”, but I don’t have that much time.
• I busted a mirror and got seven years bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.
• The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
• Bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks.
• I drive way too fast to worry about cholesterol.
• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, “Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?” He said, “I don’t know.” I said, “I don’t want your job.”
• Is "tired old cliche" one?
• Borrow money from pessimists-they don’t expect it back.
• I took lessons in bicycle riding. But I could only afford half of them. Now I can ride a unicycle.
• Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
• I went to a garage sale. 'How much for the garage?' 'It's not for sale.'
• Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it’s the scenic route.
• I was sad because I had no shoes until I met a man who had no feet. So I said, 'Got any shoes you're not using?'
• I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, 'Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?' 'Yes, officer, but I wasn't going to be out that long...'
• I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
• I bought some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add to it.
• I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy, 'Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?' He said, 'I don't know.' I said, 'I don't want your job.'
• How do you tell when you’re out of invisible ink?
• I saw a bank that said '24 Hour Banking,' but I don't have that much time.
  
• I was trying to daydream, but my mind kept wandering.
• I spilled spot remover on my dog. Now he's gone.
• Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don’t have film.
• Doing a little work around the house. I put fake brick wallpaper over a real brick wall, just so I’d be the only one who knew. People come over and I’m gonna say, “Go ahead, touch it…it feels real.”
• I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies'. So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said 'compact cars'.
• I took a course in speed reading. Then I got Reader's Digest on microfilm. By the time I got the machine set up, I was done.
• I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep.” I said, “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, 'It's free with purchase.' I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
• I was going 70 miles an hour and got stopped by a cop who said, “Do you know the speed limit is 55 miles per hour?” “Yes, officer, but I wasn’t going to be out that long…”
• I went to a fancy French restaurant called 'Deja Vu.' The headwaiter said, 'Don't I know you?'
• I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.
• I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
• I was a peripheral visionary. I could see the future, but only way off to the side.
• A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.
• I used to work in a fire hydrant factory. You couldn't park anywhere near the place.
• Change is inevitable….except from vending machines.
  
• I put my air conditioner in backward. It got cold outside. The weatherman on TV was confused. 'It was supposed to be hot today.'
• I went to a haunted house, looked under the kitchen table, and found spirit gum.
• Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
• I had amnesia once or twice.
• I didn't get a toy train like the other kids. I got a toy subway instead. You couldn't see anything, but every now and then you'd hear this rumbling noise go by.
• I saw a subliminal advertising executive, but only for a second.
• I went to a general store. They wouldn't let me buy anything specifically.
• I have an answering machine in my car. It says, “I’m home now. But leave a message and I’ll call when I’m out.”
• For a while, I didn't have a car... I had a helicopter... no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running...[slow glance upward]
• I saw a sign: 'Rest Area 25 Miles'. That's pretty big. Some people must be really tired.
• I saw a small bottle of cologne and asked if it was for sale. She said, “It’s free with purchase.” I asked her if anyone bought anything today.
• Half the people you know are below average.
• A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
• I rented a lottery ticket. I won a million dollars. But I had to give it back.
• I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights, so it looks like I'm the only one moving.
• I used to have an open mind but my brains kept falling out.
• I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, “Have you got anything I’d like?” Then they ask me what size I need, and I say, “Extra medium.”
• I still have my Christmas tree. I looked at it today. Sure enough, I couldn't see any forests.
  
• I was born by Caesarian section... but not so you'd notice. It's just that when I leave a house, I go out through the window.
• George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge, you can't hear him talk.
• I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
• I was in the first submarine. Instead of a periscope, they had a kaleidoscope. 'We're surrounded.'
• I think God's going to come down and pull civilization over for speeding.
• I think it's wrong that only one company makes the game Monopoly.