Here are some great quotes for you to enjoy.

List of quotes to use from shows and movies

I love coming up with cheesy quotes from shows and movies to put in cards and emails. Life goes so quick but it is still a good idea to put together a nice quotes list. Here are some One Liners Jimmy Carr items I have now:

• A lady with a clipboard stopped me in the street and said ‘Can you spare a few minutes for cancer research?’ I said, ‘alright, but we’re not going to get much done.'
• I did a sponsored walk once. In the end, I’d managed to raise so much money, I could afford a taxi.
• I went up to the airport information desk and said ‘How many airports are there in the world?'
• I live near a remedial school. There’s a sign that says, ‘slow – children’. That can’t be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side… they can’t read it.
• The reason old man use Viagra is not that they are impotent. It's that old women are so very ugly.
• Boxers don't have sex before a fight, do you know why that is? They don't fancy each other.
• I saw a charity appeal in the Guardian the other day, and it read "Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water". And I couldn't help thinking, she should move.
• I saw that show 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I’d have thought the obvious one was, ‘shout for help.'
• No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea... you never get that tea.
• Viagra has instructions: ‘Keep away from children’ – what kind of man do you think I am?
  
• When you eat a lot of spicy food, you can lose your taste. When I was in India last summer, I was listening to a lot of Michael Bolton.
• My girlfriend sat me down the other day for a chat. I say 'chat', it was her talking at me for six hours. I didn't realise that when men say they're 'spoken for' that's actually what they mean. She said "Jimmy, our relationship is at a crossroads. Down one road is struggle and hardship, but eventually, happiness. The other, well, that's a dead end." So I replied, "That's not a crossroads, that's a T-Junction".
• I'm not worried about the Third World War. That's the Third World's Problem.
• I had a survey done on my house. 8 out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.
• No matter how much you give a homeless person for tea, you never get that tea.
• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray.
• Throwing acid is wrong. In some people’s eyes.
• British scientists have demonstrated that cigarettes can harm your children. Fair enough. Use an ashtray!
• Recently my girlfriend asked me if I was having sex behind her back and I replied, ‘Yes, who did you think it was?'
• When someone close to you dies, move seats.
• I live near a remedial school. There is a sign that says, slow... children. That can't be good for their self esteem. But look of course on the positive side, they can't read it.
• Saying that you don’t believe in magic but do believe in God is a bit like saying you don’t have sex with dogs, except Labradors.
• When I was a kid, I used to have an imaginary friend. I thought he went everywhere with me. I could talk to him and he could hear me, and he could grant me wishes and stuff too. But then I grew up, and stopped going to church.
• I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said, ‘It’s nice to see so many bums on seats.'
  
• Say what you want about the deaf…
• I worry about my nan. If she's alone and falls, does she make a noise? I'm joking, she's dead.
• See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil. Rohypnol(TM).
• Swimming is good for you, especially if you’re drowning. Not only do you get a cardiovascular workout, but you also don’t die.
• I'm not being condescending, I'm too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn't understand.
• My girlfriend bought a cookbook the other day called Cheap and Easy Vegetarian Cooking. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian…
• The first few weeks of Weight Watchers, you’re just finding your feet.
• African child dies? I watched those, and couldn't help thinking, "well stop clicking your fingers!"
• I saw a charity appeal in The Guardian the other day, and it read, ‘Little Zuki has to walk 13 miles a day just to fetch water.’ And I couldn’t help thinking, ‘she should move.'
• I have no problems with buying tampons. I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they're not a "proper" present. "Happy birthday, mum!"
• I've got a friend whose nickname is "Shagger". You might think that's pretty cool. She doesn't like it.
• A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No, no. I think you're fattest."
• I’m not being condescending. I’m too busy thinking about far more important things you wouldn’t understand.
• I did a gig in the US once for the homeless. I said "It's nice to see so many bums on seats".
• Theres been a lot of talk about genetic engineering I was wondering, is it wrong to breed piglets specifically for the purposes of weaning paedophiles off babies, only I'm thinking of starting a company called "They'll squeal, but not to the cops".
• I used to buy lottery tickets every week until I realised you could watch it on TV for nothing.
• My favourite road sign is ‘Falling Rocks’. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying, ‘Random accidents ahead’; ‘Life’s a lottery, Be lucky.'
• I hate those e-mails where they try to sell you penis enhancers. I got ten just the other day. Eight of them from my girlfriend. It's the two from my mum that really hurt.
• I was out with a friend and he came over with a pair of girls. I said to him, ‘They’re like buses.’ He said, ‘What? Because you wait for ages and then two come along at once.’ I said, ‘No, they are like buses!'
  
• There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me, ‘oh, don’t worry, it happens to a lot of guys.’ OK, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys? And second of all if it’s happening to more than one of us, don’t you think it could be your fault?
• I was walking the streets of Glasgow the other week and I saw this sign, ‘This door is alarmed’. I said to myself, ‘How do you think I feel?'
• I'd like to leave you ladies and gentlemen with this frightening fact: I'm not sure if you're aware of this, but if you took all the money that we in the West spend on food in one week, you could feed the Third World for one year. I'm not sure about you people, but I think we're being overcharged on groceries.
• A big girl once came up to me after a show and said ‘I think you’re fatist’. I said, ‘no, I think you’re fattest.'
• I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.
• My father always used to say, "What doesn't kill you, makes you stronger," - 'til the accident.
• In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I'm wrong, but that's a pizza.
• I had a survey done on my house. Eight out of 10 people said they really rather liked it.
• People with Tourette’s… what makes them tick?
• My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said, ‘Alright, fatty.'
• "Did you know you're ten times more likely to get mugged in London than New York city? Thats because you don't live in new york city"
• I like to go into The Body Shop and shout out really loud, ‘I’ve already got one!'
• I have no problems with buying tampons, I am a fairly modern man. But apparently they’re not a ‘proper’ present.
• My favourite road sign is 'Falling Rocks'. What exactly am I supposed to do with that information? They may as well have a sign saying "Random accidents ahead", "Life's a lottery, Be lucky."
• My girlfriend said she wanted me to tease her, so I said "Alright, fatty."
  
• I'd rather see a pregnant woman standing on the bus than a fat girl sitting down crying.
• I say no to gay marriage. It'll end up leading to gay divorce, and that'll be bitchy.
• In Pizza Express you can get garlic bread with cheese and tomato. Now correct me if I’m wrong, but that’s a pizza.
• Remember to never answer a phone during sex, even if you hilariously answer with, ‘I can’t talk now, I’m going into a tunnel.'
• A big girl once came up to me after a show and said "I think you're fatist." I said "No. I think you're fattest."
• I’m not worried about the Third World War. That’s the Third World’s problem.
• My father always used to say, ‘What doesn’t kill you, makes you stronger.’ Until the accident.
• And this is the last one on this soap box
• My girlfriend bought a cook book the other day called 'Cheap and easy vegetarian cooking'. Which is perfect for her, because not only is she vegetarian...
• There was one time where I failed to perform sexually. My girlfriend said to me "oh don't worry, it happens to a lot of guys". Ok, there are two things wrong with that. First of all who are these other guys?, and second of all if it's happening to more than one of us, don't you think it could be YOUR fault?
• Throwing acid is wrong, in some people's eyes.